“I came, I saw, I panicked”. These are the first words which greet the reader upon opening Ilene Springer’s The Diary of an American Expatriate.

The next page contains a ‘disclaimer “This is not a work of fiction. This is a story of the truth. And if you recognise yourself in one of the individuals portrayed here, too bad. You should have thought about this before you were such a barbarian to me. I told you I was a writer.”

The book, published last October, tells the true story of the challenges faced by an American woman living with a British-German partner in Malta. When she found she could no longer keep up with her American health insurance bill, Ms Springer decided to leave her motherland in 2008 at the age of 55 and start a new life in Malta.

Maltese people are so nice when you meet them on the street. However, once behind the wheel, they will run you over

Ms Springer’s confessions warn anyone who has ever thought of starting over somewhere new the raw truths which await them – coloured by the author’s light-hearted, tongue-in-cheek and downright laugh-out-loud style.

Her book, which is the first of three instalments, also serves as an eye-opener of sorts – little details which many Maltese take for granted are presented in a different perspective.

But surely a certain amount of artistic licence was used?

“No, not all. Truth is stranger than fiction sometimes,” she insisted.

“The book is based on my blog [www.an-american-in-malta.com], which I had set up as a record for my two daughters in the US who were very opposed to my moving abroad. OK – I might have exaggerated some bits,” she conceded as an afterthought.

Five years on, she has discovered a certain Jekyll and Hyde quality to the Maltese.

“The road rage is terrible. Maltese people are so nice when you meet them on the street. If you hurt yourself, they’ll come rushing to help you and even wait with you until the ambulance comes.

“However, once behind the wheel, those same people will run you over. Once, a car’s mirror smacked my arm. The driver looked back – not to see whether I was hurt – but to check his mirror. He straightened it and drove off. If my arm had come off, he would have probably chucked it out of the window, made sure no harm had come to his mirror and driven off.”

However, it’s the Maltese warm attitude which captivates and amuses her most.

In order for herself and her partner to be considered family members, they had to prove an enduring relationship of two years. She was asked to present the Immigration Office with a lease including both their names. However, it came a month short of two years, despite the fact that the pair had been a couple for over eight years. The Immigration Office refused to concede.

A distinguished person in the navy and a good friend of the couple wrote a strong, intense letter, corroborating the fact that the pair had been in a relationship for eight years.

However, on their next visit, they forgot the letter and started bickering, each blaming the other for leaving the letter behind.

“After witnessing the argument, the assistant director turned to us and said: ‘It’s OK, I can tell you’ve been together for a while, you fight like a married couple!’

“You would never get that in the US!” she laughed.

Ms Springer also speaks about culture shock, a theme which is better explored in her upcoming book.

The Diary of an American Expatriate featured her while she was still in the honeymoon phase, as evidenced by the following extract, where she was listing a number of ‘firsts’ in Malta:

“My cat Egypt threw up for the first time in Malta. I love it – it’s so easy to clean off the tiles. No more carpets and spot remover and all that stuff.”

However, the honeymoon phase is inevitably followed by the negotiation phase, where a sense of hostility towards the native culture starts creeping in.

“You start to notice things you don’t like, to the point when it becomes exaggerated.

“This happens to anyone who has immigrated to a new country. Frustration and anger start to sink in and slowly take over. I’m currently in the throes of this stage.”

However, being Ilene Springer, she has taken to her writing as a therapeutic remedy. Her upcoming book will be out in autumn.

And what will she be naming it?

“Hating the Natives,” she replied with a twinkle in her eye.