Sandy Calleja Portelli is convinced that despite the worry, doubt and frustration, nothing makes a mother as glad as a hug from her child.

Whoever coined the phrase ‘What you see is what you get’ was certainly not thinking about parenthood. This is one area of life where no amount of preparation, research or training placements (babysitting/aunt/ uncle duties) can ever prepare one for the reality of having a child.

So for all prospective mothers out there, here is the result of a thoroughly unscientific research into what mothers wish they’d realised before baby came along:

1. Your life will change completely, irrevocably and permanently
Gone are the days of staying out late, lazy weekend mornings and impromptu weekends away. From hereonin, to varying degrees, any arrangements you make will include prior provisions for childcare.

2. Using the bathroom in peace is a privilege, not a right
You can bet your bottom euro that the minute you close the bathroom door brings on the baby’s cry, an argument among siblings or a homework question that simply “cannot wait”.

3. It’s surprising how many things can fit in a child’s nostril/ear
You will in all likelihood spend some time at the doctor’s surgery needing to have a foreign body removed from your little one’s ear or nostril. Among the known culprits are diced vegetables, cheese (it goes mouldy remarkably quickly in a child’s ear) and toys (these often spontaneously jump right into children’s nostrils without any rational explanation).

4. The amount of time you spend preparing something is inversely proportionate to the amount of time young ones will spend enjoying it
There are times when children just want to create something and do it quickly and these are definitely not the time to introduce something new. Place a large plastic sheet on the floor, supply papers, used toilet rolls, colours, sequins and glitter glue and let their imagination run wild.

5. Children’s palate is a strange thing
This starts from the introduction of solids – while steadfastly refusing to eat the organic vegetable mash you have painstakingly prepared, your toddler will devour anything from lint balls to sand at the seaside.

As your child grows older you will be dumbfounded to learn that while visiting friends/family/summer camp, your child has devoured two or three helpings of a food previously declared “disgusting”.

6. You will regret having been so critical of your pre-baby figure
There will come a time when you look at yourself and regret not having been more relaxed about your figure at a time when your breasts were still located in your chest area and you still had control of your pelvic floor muscles.

7. You will feel guilty – about something – almost every day
Even if you are a wonderful mum, there is always something you feel you could have done better today. Were you too strict/not strict enough/too rushed/not helpful enough/too helpful ... the list is infinite.

8. Random strangers will interfere
People you have never laid eyes on before will feel they have the right to criticise the way you correct your child and tell you how you should be raising your offspring. This is especially true when your child throws a tantrum in public. And be prepared – your child will, at some time or another, throw a tantrum at the most inopportune moment.

9. No other word can cause such a range of emotions as ‘Mummy’. Here are a few:
Concern: when it is cried by a child who is ill or in pain
Irritation/anger: when it is whined for attention
Love: when it is called happily during play
Laughter: when it comes in between shrieks of childish laughter
Heartbreak: when it is said in a derisory way only teenagers know.

10. There’s nothing quite like motherhood
Despite the worry, doubt and frustration, the exhaustion, juggling and stress – most mums agree they would do it all over again in a heartbeat. Nothing makes a mother as glad as a loving hug from her child.