Lorraine* unconsciously rubbed her wrist, where an angry scar ran jaggedly across it, a testament to the torment of domestic abuse.
I had been sexually abused by a family friend when I was seven. My aunt says I’m a flower on concrete ground
Yet the most painful of scars are invisible to the naked eye, she explained – they are the years of verbal and emotional abuse that hurt more acutely than any physical injury.
And in addition, her experience with certain police officers she encountered when filing police reports did not always help matters.
“Unfortunately, I have been attended to by a couple of police officers who sometimes only served to make things worse with their blunt and insensitive comments.
“There is a great need for sensitivity training, especially when a victim is at her most vulnerable and has probably just managed to break away from a violence-fuelled fight,” the 28-year-old told Times of Malta.
Lorraine has been married to Ibrahim*, a Nigerian man, since 2004. Together they have two sons – aged eight and four. Prior to marrying him, she had known Ibrahim for around a year and a half.
Did she not detect any warning signs of his violent nature?
“Looking back, yes, they were there. For instance, whenever anyone came to our home, he would send me to the living room. He was always very controlling.
“When I was pregnant, he made me carry a gas cylinder all the way up to the roof. But he put up an act with everybody. And I was naïve and weak at the time,” she sighed.
The first episode of physical violence occurred in 2009. It was the year after Lorraine’s father, with whom she was very close to, had passed away – a factor which she feels explains why he refrained from physically abusing her until that year.
She recalls how she got the scar.
“I had just returned from a long day at work.
“He had done nothing all day but sleep – the children hadn’t even been fed.
“As abusers are wont to do, he shifted the blame on to me”.
After a heated argument that involved a smashed plate, her husband attacked her with one of the broken shards.
Lorraine was so frightened that she did not report him on that occasion. However, she filed reports following other violent episodes, when he punched, slapped and shook her.
“One time, upon reporting him to the police, they asked me what his nationality was. On replying that he was Nigerian, I heard one police mumble: ‘Serves you right’.”
Ibrahim’s behaviour became more domineering. He patronised her and refused to let her venture outdoors, except for work. He knew all her passwords and checked her e-mails. He lashed out at her verbally, hurling insults.
“They took him to court and that’s when I made my second mistake – that of forgiving him.”
What was her first mistake?
She burst into bitter fits of laughter. “Why, marrying him, of course.”
“One day I felt I needed some space to think – I went out for a drink on my own. Everyone deserves a night out. He was so angry that, when I returned, he grabbed me and flung me outside.
“I went to file a report and the police asked me whether he had pulled and shoved me. I said yes, and showed them my torn bra strap.
“The police officer told me, ‘There are many ways that could have happened’.
“Also, one of my jobs is that of an animator. The policeman turned to me and said, ‘I can’t fathom how you make people happy at work but not your own family’. I couldn’t believe my ears.
“I tried all I could to save our relationship. I even started attending sessions with a family therapist. Ibrahim came once and then told me to continue on my own as I was the one who needed them.”
She sank into depression and ended up in hospital after being gripped by severe panic attacks.
Where does she stand now?
“It’s time to put a full stop to it. I’ve been over the relationship for a long time. Now it’s time to get away from him.”
She urged schools to teach children and teenagers the warning signs of a destructive relationship, and not the mere basics.
“It can happen to everyone, and not the merely disadvantaged.
“I had been sexually abused by a family friend when I was seven. My aunt says I’m a flower on concrete ground.”
She plans to move to a shelter to save up money to be able to move out and support herself and her two children.
“I’m ready to face the world. Life won’t get any easier, financially speaking, but it will definitely be happier.”
*Names have been changed to protect the person’s identity.
Lorraine is a member of SOAR (Surviving Abuse with Resilience), a support group for victims and survivors of violence in intimate relationships set up in November 2012.
It is user-led, meaning the people behind it are survivors themselves who came together and agreed on the need for a support and advocacy group for both adults and children.
The support group organises various activities to support victims and survivors, including group therapy, dance and creativity classes, socialising activities, themed group discussions, self-esteem courses and self-defence lessons.
SOAR can be contacted on 9992 7872 or through www.soarmalta.webs.com