“Look at you. You’re black, you're poor, you're ugly, you're a woman, you're nothing at all!” (from The Colour Purple, a novel by Alice Worker)

I can pleasantly write about what I enjoy doing, because I derive some kind of pleasure from reminding myself that life’s not all doom and gloom. This is not one of those days. Writing down my fears unwraps a rippling swell of thoughts disturbing enough to set me off in a bad mood for days. But I shall look at fear in the eye, and do it anyway.

Two years ago at this time, I found myself on the doorstep of my friend’s lawyer, which is a very unlikely place to be a month prior to exams. But that was nothing compared to the shady phase my friend was going through in her life, so I didn’t pass that remark in her presence. She had to give a deposition for the completion of her marriage affidavit. She was going through her separation process.

Through mere eye contact, I was able to feel the palpable fear that was sapping her strength. I couldn’t understand how someone would not feel safe in the place they called home, particularly because I had never experienced that same feeling myself. But now that, to some extent, I do, I feel the need to pass on a message or two about domestic violence.

‘It starts with screams and must never end in silence’, the name of the campaign against domestic violence launched by the Council of Europe in 2008, shortly sums up my opinion about this whole issue. A total of 467 local cases of partner abuse were reported between January and October 2009. Only God knows how many more cases go unreported.

The horrifying implications of domestic violence are endless. Under the threat of violence, victims may give up pieces of themselves which they may never get back. They may lose their voice, their preferences, their autonomy, their friends, their partner, their children or themselves in the process. When at a huge loss, people may resort to a deadly silence. But silence gives consent to an ever deadlier setting.

Anything from name-calling, ridiculing traits, a shove, a push or a slap, all the way to attempted murder may be considered a deprivation of freedom. Serious consequences ensue not only for the victim, but also for those who are somewhat exposed to the abuse, and ultimately for society at large. Domestic abuse is an issue of power and control. These can be exerted between a married couple, co-habitants, boyfriends and girlfriends, gay people, and between parents and children. Assuming that all victims are married women would be wrong, but most of the research available accounts for domestic abuse between spouses.

Just to pull some names out of the hat, psychologists Johnson and Ferraro give evidence of five types of violent relationships; common couple violence – when violence is not used as part of a pattern of behaviour; intimate terrorism – when violence may be used as part of a pattern of manipulation of low severity; violent resistance – when the victim, in response to the abuse, becomes violent himself/herself; mutual violent control – when both partners are pitted against each other; and dysphoric-borderline violence – when the batterer shows emotional adjustment problems and dependence on the victim.

Regardless of the type of violent relationship one might find himself or herself in, I believe that the aggression is the manifestation of an abusive pattern that has been ramped up by the very failure to acknowledge its repetitiveness. Things are well and rosy at the beginning of a relationship, then tension gradually builds up, an act of violence occurs, the victim is shocked but tries to deny the severity of the act, and thus leaves room for further tension to develop between the couple, and the abuser eventually strikes again.

For the victim, it’s always a matter of being damned if they leave, and damned if they don’t, but anything is better than being confined to a place that one feels threatened in. The stressful process of seeking refuge at a shelter, and leaving a familiar neighbourhood to go to an unfamiliar environment, is not an easy step to make, and neither is admitting that they have to overcome such an all-consuming problem.

Freud’s theory about aggressiveness forming the basis of every relationship of affection and love among people can be falsified. Mothers can love their children without being aggressive. Partners can love each other without being too domineering. When children are exposed to inter-parental aggression, they are likely to repeat the pattern of abuse later on in their life, feel threatened by non-aggressive conflict, have pessimistic expectations about everything, or they might have a problem with coping with other troubles throughout their lives. Abuse may also disrupt the process of parenting by contributing to inconsistencies in parental discipline.

Domestic violence is a problem that has to be dealt with through a zero-tolerance approach. There are two kinds of guilty people in such situations: those who inflict the abuse, and those who try to hide the fact that it exists. I wouldn’t want to carry a conversation either of those people.