Le Chef Patron!

The following is an attempt at humour…..I am in NO WAY trying to ridicule any particular one of you! So PLEASE get the joke and have a splendid 2010!

I’m very particular about where I eat my Christmas Lunch. The primary reason being that it’s very rare that I get to enjoy all my family, the second one is that I don’t trust EVERYONE’S enthusiasm to cook for me during Christmas is going to translate itself into incredible dining experiences. Mind you, I’m not expecting Michelin star service, neither do I want my IBS to spiral out of control though….too much detail I hear you say?

Don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining, I’m just sharing some experiences which might be very familiar to you! Below are some of the cooks who have once entertained me!

“The Adventurous Vegetarian”

This flowery hippy-skirt-wearing swears she’s slaved over a hot stove the day before. Seated at a table with wicker placemats, psychedelic tumblers full of juice with BITS in it (ewwwww) The starters start making their way to the table. Vegetable crudites (please explain use of stove?) vegetable terrines (again please enlighten me as to where she has used a stove?)

“hmmm laaahfley” I say whilst chewing what feels like silicone gel, ‘tal-banji’ and what seems to be the equivalent of those rubber vegetables which came with the ‘Cucina Mattel’ I got my young cousin this Christmas. By the main course I’m starting to feel like a barn animal. Bowls of what seems to look like fodder, sludge and an organic sauce of some sort are passed round while “The Adventurous Vegeterian” raves about the positive energy flowing in the room…..I wonder whether my silent passing of wind due to the bean paste which has NOT been welcomed by my digestive system is contributing to that energy hehe (nervous chuckle)…. As soon as I manage to eat the parsnip and afalfa sprout pie by smothering it in that organic sauce, news of the dessert hits us. No prizes for guessing….but obviously it can’t have been apple cobbler or anything as ‘conventional’ as that….it’s rhubarb crumble with sweet potatoe curd! I struggle through it … rhubarb is a vegetable cum fruit I’ve never really felt comfortable about. The texture is that of celery, it’s pinkish in colour, it tastes soapy ….well you get it ….it’s one of the ONLY things I don’t like alongside aubergines!

Now whilst I appreciate “The adventurous vegetarian’s” attempt to convince us that vegetarian cooking CAN actually be exciting AND that she may have possibly succeeded to convert us to puree, crudite, leaf eating friends, I confirm that she has failed miserably to convert some of my friends, including me and that I’ll be going down to the kebab place as soon as I leave to get myself a doner!

“The one who cooks for a Regiment”

This section speaks of half of Malta’s mothers and nannas. These are the women who wake up at 5am to secure their post in front of Lidl or any other supermarket which has announced the special offer on chicken packs for broth, they’re the ones who fight tooth and claw for those pretty one Euro dishes at Tal-Lira (eh ma tafx kemm haqdu set sabih jkollok ghaxra minnhom!) These are the mothers and nannas who boil two cauldrons of soup/broth, bake 5 dishes of lasagne, roast a chicken, a turkey, a leg of lamb and a pork belly, make roast, fried and mashed potatoes and a jerry can of gravy……..all of this for 8 people. The irony of it all is that after the prayer the tag line is always “please provide for those who don’t have any” I’m guessing the ones who don’t have any are the ones who didn’t make it to the meat counter before you!!! Heheh Several “Boqqa Qarsas” later ….(please don’t ask me to explain that because a “boqqa qarsa” is seriously disgusting!) the nanna or mother lays the table for yet another banquet….afternoon high tea. Cakes, Trifles, Cannolli, Pandoro, Panettone, Christmas Cake, Christmas Pudding, Christmas Log, eggnog, tea, coffee you name it it’s there! After we all walk out of the house sluggish, and ready to throw up as soon as someone mentions anything remotely edible.

“The ChefZilla”

And then there was Gordon Ramsay, Jamie Oliver, Nigella Lawson….etc and their recipe books. I must admit the new age recipe books are a tad easier to follow. In all honesty the method was never the actual problem, it was always the ingredients that got the best of everyone. They produce these incredibly gorgeous books, full of colour, photography of the most succulent dishes, with the most adventurous names ever, like “Hell of a Mille Foglie of Exotic Vegetables in a Jus de Satsumas” The ingredient list looks like one that would have you risk your life somewhere to get hold of a rare vegetable that only grows at the edge of the highest cliffs in “Noombakaka.” Of course I’m aware that some poor boy wearing nothing but a loin cloth is risking his life instead, getting paid 25 euro cents, while the servile few following the recipe to the T, pay ridiculous money for the ingredient. The ‘Chefzilla’ wants you to rate your dining experience at his/her humble home as the best in 2009, therefore it’s all very regimental, place cards at the table as to where everyone’s sitting, time of serving, welcome drink as you walk in, Christmas crackers ALL colour coded….you almost think you’re at ‘The Ritz’ and I ain’t complaining! But if you mess the system up…you are threading wafer thin ice! So there’s no chance in hell you can possibly dare to arrive fashionably late, swap places at table OR get up to get the ketchup. Unless Jamie Oliver says you should “treat yourself to a huge dollop of ketchup like a true Brit” then forget it mate!!

I ha my Christmas Lunch at home this year for the 28th consecutive year! Surrounded by those I love and eating the madre’s cooking is THE experience for me! I’m also very thankful for actually having food to eat, and I never forget how lucky I am, there are so many in the world who have nothing and struggle to get through everyday.

Happy New Year Everyone…….get those treadmills out ….. after the festive season we’re all gonna need’em!