TELLY TWISTING

Sitting here this fine Thursday evening, I went on a bit of a surf around the channels on cable, there being nothing much better to do.

Not to put too fine a point on it, it was hardly an uplifting experience. I would have done better, and did as soon as I finished writing this, if I had tuned the wi-fi radio to some rock station out of Vancouver and picked up a good book.

Or even a half-decent book.

Or even a pretty lousy book, for that matter.

Working backwards down the Maltese stations, from the peculiarly titled Favourite Channel (peculiar because I can't think whose favourite it can be) there was some sort of talent show on, though the word "talent" when applied to this production is manifestly misused. Incidentally, what is it about all these people that they have to wear the weirdest of weird specs?

The show was called "Don't Stop Me Know", but I think they substituted "Please" by "Don't".

Next down the scale was ITV Shopping Channel, which regaled me with the sight of two very, very interesting looking women, talking about clothes. When one uses the word "interesting" one is being very charitable, of course, because one shouldn't be too nasty. From these ladies one moves on to feast one's eyes on a model, one not afflicted with anorexia who, if my ears didn't deceive me, was wearing a cow-top. I might have been wrong, of course, and I wasn't able to investigate further as she turned around and I got an eyeful of her close-up from the rear.

Down another channel click and we got to the best channel so far, the Weather and Information Channel. Marginally better than watching paint dry or grass grow, it was still miles better than the first two channels I clicked on.

Moving on, as one must, you get to Smash TV, which must classify as one of the lowest of low budget channels in the known universe. Not for them such subtleties as editing or commentary or anything like that: raw footage of go-karting was on, interspersed with wide shots of cars charging up and down Hal Far.

I suppose if you're interested in this sort of thing you'd prefer this style to having some inane commentary imposing itself on your thoughts.

This channel, incidentally, was responsible, last week, for what seemed to be some form of dramatic comedy, locally produced, of course, that dredged the very depths of horror. Amongst the gems presented for our delectation was a secretary who seemed to be just North of catatonic and an executive who was profoundly sub-normal. It seems that this was a repeat, so clearly the Broadcasting Authority, that was so exercised by a photo-shoot in a cemetery some weeks ago, isn't worried about these people being put in front of the audience for a cheap laugh.

Skipping past Education 22, which has its heart in the right place and so should be spared, we start in on the two political channels.

The programme going on in the One TV slot at the time was "Realta'" (which has nothing to do with the Rector's favourite newspaper) and, somewhat strangely, there were three protagonists of the environmental lobby-groups having great fun criticising all and sundry without a single voice being raised against them.

I found this strange because these groups were invited, one hears, to participate in Xarabank last week and declined. This, in itself, as far as I am concerned, is a demonstration of their good sense, but the reason they declined is that they don't participate in political programmes.

Somewhat inconsistently, they don't seem to think that appearing on a political station is contrary to their policy. Maybe it's because they were told they weren't going to have opposition? There was some sort of explanation given as to why there wasn't any opposition but it was so convoluted that I lost the will to live half way through it and I haven't the energy to try to reproduce it.

No doubt some member of the faithful will comment below and take me to task for not kneeling in awe at the altar of the strident ones. It was a series of rants, nothing more and nothing less, and I skipped on.

NET TV, by the time I got to it, was running some sort of programme to do with the arts, if a panto is liable to be called a component of the arts, and I moved on, sharply, to PBS, the national station which the Hon. Evarist Bartolo had the temerity to compare to the national broadcaster of Zimbabwe, giving vent to a spot of involuntary and unintended quasi-racism.

I know Mr Bartolo isn't racist, far from it, but his comment, meant to be insulting of the station, demonstrates how careful one has to be to engage the brain before putting the mouth into motion. It's still the best station on the local scene, but there were talking heads on and I picked up my book.

And there you have it, as Mr Floyd put it, so many channels of .... and nothing to watch.