There comes a time when I’m sick of being diplomatic and hoping I won’t p*** off any of the regulars reading these blogs and I decide to write something totally random and possibly useless to any of you.
It just gives me a high to think that I’m the one being amused by this and possibly some of you out there share my fondness for ridiculous humour.
Let me start by introducing my list of ‘Things that make me wanna scream!’
Scenario 10: You’ve just been dumped by your boyfriend and decide to go for a walk along the promenade. As if from nowhere, couples appear everywhere. Sitting on benches they’re canoodling and whispering sweet nothings into each others ears, walking hand in hand they gaze at each other lovingly while you over hear a sweaty young woman pant at her new husband “ the house is looking great now all we need is a dog” as she briskly walks alongside him! An incredible urge to scream at all of them that your heart has been shattered into tiny pieces makes you feel like a psychotic loser.
Scenario 9: It’s morning, birds are chirping, sun is shining, “Great I’ll wash my car” you think to yourself. So you drive down to the car wash and give the chap €8 while your car gets tickled by the rainbow-coloured, mammoth-like contraption.
No sooner have you left the station in a gleaming car, than grey clouds fill the sky and it starts drizzling. It would be far less annoying if it actually poured…but no…it just drizzles…so that when you turn your wipers on you’ve got a huge smear all over the wind screen.
Scenario 8: Don’t you just hate it when you’re stuck in traffic and the person behind you starts to hoot his/her horn frantically, almost as though they expect you to say “sure mate I’ll get out of your way, let me just drive into this guy in front of me, Ram him into the on-going traffic, just so that you can come on through buddy!”
Scenario 7: On a random Saturday night in Paceville, when one indulges in alcoholic beverages, one gets peckish and strolls down to a particular chicken burger joint. (which I obviously cannot mention by name, because that would be blatant advertising!) Standing in a queue you wait to be served by the ‘attractive’ lady behind the counter, who’s ever so excited at the thought of serving burgers till 6am. Soon you feel someone pressing up against you and heavy breathing reeking of vodka on the back of your neck. The guy behind you bump and grinds almost as though you’re still in Havana and then orders “ghamilli wahda chicken, b’hafna basal u Mayonnaise” …. I would just LOVE to be his one night stand! NOT!
Scenario 6: Sometimes the guy above will ‘attempt’ to skip the queue. More often than not he is usually taken outside by the guy with the dodgy hair-do and snake-skin shoes, but THAT’s another story! Serious ‘skipping the queue’ syndrome is what old people at a bank suffer from! Who in the world thought up that ‘senior citizen card’??? You stand patiently in a queue whilst re running your daily schedule in your head. Suddenly a little white haired grandma whips out her card and you have to let her through with nothing more than a smile! Then wait as she brings out a bag of coins which she counts one by one while depositing them!
“erm 1 EurOP…..2 EurOP….le le sorry ha nerga nibda ta”
Scenario 5: If I had a GPS installed in my car it would go something like this in Sliema….
“Turn Left….erm no sorry there’s a crane here…..turn right ….After 100 hundred metres you will find out that there’s ANOTHER crane…so go back!...turn right …Old College Street…I regret to inform you that your car will suffer serious damage and might not even reach your destination!”
Scenario 4: I dislike getting up to use the toilet mid way through dinner at many a restaurant, because I know I’m going to be faced by a lifted toilet seat displaying drops of urine and pubic hair. So I think “hmmm either a woman fond of the 70s OR a giant gorilla OR a male specimen who has not yet grasped the concept of PUTTING THE TOILET SEAT DOWN was here! How the hell does pubic hair fall off anyway? Do they stand there plucking it out?? Seriously I hope you are not eating whilst reading this!
Scenario 3: Sometimes I think I have acquired a super human power. That of being invisible between two super market cash points. “kemm hadna gost il-Barbikju ux Shania” says one of the girls at the till, while she scans your food, “iva Kez,… tilghajn dak il-party?” Then ‘Kezia’ looks at you, visibly annoyed that she has to actually communicate with you and asks “ghandek card tal-points?”
Scenario 2: I hate it when people just shout out “YESSSS????” Weddings are a classic example of this. A waiter will come up to you with a tray of canapés and hiss “YESSSS” to which I feel like replying “Nooooo.”
Scenario 1: You wake up…It’s Monday morning!