Sunday, 1st February 2009
How angry are you?
Stand at any queue. Join any conversation at a gathering of mothers. Ride a bus. Or – perish the thought! - if you are so inclined.... go to a Coffee Morning. The chances are that at one point, someone will criticise a (male) partner... and the comment will spread like wildfire across the area, and incite several similar comments.
This week, by accident or design, many major publications happened to mention that the most read story on a particular parenting website was “Mad at Dad”, which gave the low-down on why, exactly, mothers of young children are angry at their men.
Even when these men happen to think they are “New Age” fathers (because they change nappies or make the school lunches?). We have all seen the stereotypical cartoon of a Mother (capitals mine) with twenty arms that render her capable of peeling potatoes, ironing clothes, sewing on a button, polishing shoes, combing hair, washing her teeth, and answering the phone... and doing another dozen things at once. Intended to raise a laugh, these depictions are often nothing less than the truth.
Most mothers know that having children automatically creates an uneven playing field, especially in a culture where a man “has” to go to work, and the mother – or so they tell us, “has a choice”. Yet, even when the mother hold down jobs that have longer hours than those of their partners (and often have less take-home pay then they)... most school activities like sports days and parents’ days are attended by... women only. The survey done by this website indicates that women are often “irate” at their husbands, and frequently “intensely” angry. T
his festering anger, which is sometimes not expressed, for several reasons, means that not only are women burdened with more than the logical 50% of responsibilities and chores... they are actually harming their health both because of the anger, and because it is being repressed. Consider this; partners go shopping. They return home. The man sits down, riffling the newspaper and commenting upon the stupidity and selfishness of mankind... while the wife makes the coffee, stores away the packages and tins, and grates the Pecorino for the ricotta pies. How many males will cheerfully make nut-free fudge for 50, run folded cellophane sheets through the sewing machine to seal them into individual packets for them, and then stick gold stars on every helping?
This, of course, is an exaggeration – for you can always go to the Monti and buy a box of 50 single helpings of muesli –bars... but you get he gist of what I am saying. Women usually have to remember whose birthdays, dental appointments, and sports meetings are coming up. They have to recall deadlines for school projects, shoe and clothing sizes for every member of the family, ordering of class photographs, the birthday cake, and posting Christmas cards to Australia and Timbuktu.
Most of us just grin and get on with it – relaxing comes later. As we shower before bed and grab a chapter from the book we began reading a month ago. But some women, alas, allow this anger to get the better of them. Blood pressure levels shoot up, frowns become permanent wrinkles, and...they chance dropping dead from a heart attack.
Of course that are fathers who can whip up three-course meals from the contents of an empty cupboard, because they would have forgotten to shop. But men have not yet been genetically modified to multi-task. Sometimes, if they do get the clothes off the line, or maybe flick a duster around, it’s as if they are doing their partner a favour. Show me a man who washes the floor (properly) and I will show you half a dozen who would rather let their kids eat junk food (or cheese and fruit) rather than cooking from scratch when their mother is not at home.
There are men who think their hobbies are more important than those of the rest of the family. This is, they just don’t think that a chid actually wants his father to take him to football practice even though it is within walking distance but because he wants his dad’s undividied attention for at least ten minutes. Many men will do something, if they are asked to do it – but there are actually women who would rather play the martyr, to have ammunition later on, than ask for some help.
And this shows that sometimes it is communication that’s lacking and not the help per se. It’s not pleasant to feel that you are being stoned to death with popcorn, while locked in a gilded cage. So why do women allow this to happen to them? How is it that we cannot learn the magic word “delegate”?
People have the fight-or-flight mechanism that loads the body with adrenaline when they face danger. In a relationship, it is sometimes not practical to do either. As the anger seethes inside you – and apart from the adrenaline rush, anger hinders the boy’s ability to produce the hormone that mutes the effect of the adrenaline.
This is exactly why people who have suppressed anger issues (“chronic anger”) are putting their kidneys, liver, and heart at risk. It is why they get frequent migraines and are more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety states, as well as insomnia. Talking about it with your neighbour – as you both hang out yet another load of washing – is simply not enough.
Meanwhile, I say that situation comedies, where incompetent dads are par for the course, should come with a health warning.
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