Tuesday, 9th December 2008
MMAs, BMAs ….book me into AA!!!!
Ok so I thought that title would be funny…… I’m sarcastic like that, because I so didn’t have ANYTHING to drink at both events. Every time I merely raised the rim of a beer bottle to my lips, I was either called to go on stage or we were asked to take a photo….so the title is just there to catch your eye.
I do want to discuss alcohol though. What is it with people who assume, that just because they have a drink or two they can grope at you or say whatever they please? Suddenly people are giving me ‘expert’ advice on how to make it big time, others are being overtly descriptive about how they would take ‘friendship’ to another level with me and some peoples’ hands just go everywhere. Happens to a lot of you women and men out there dunnit?
One thing I’ll never EVER do and have never done in my entire career is drink before I go on stage. Or abuse of any other substances. I mention the latter because this moron woman once proclaimed “Ira Losco loves her snow” …a good friend of mine who was sitting within earshot of this clown (cause there’s no other way to describe her) said “oh Really? How is it that you know this then?” and the woman replied… “well obviously….I mean how can Ira sing for an hour and have all that energy! She must be doing drugs” …. I swear if my fist could be sent via an sms I would have been texting that woman all night! Heheheheh I believe I have enough confidence to take the stage and truthfully if I did attempt to drink before I’d be parking a tide by the end of my show…all that jumping and running around!
If I could categorize drinkers I would give them in the following titles:
The Expert Drinker
Usually suave and sticks to one drink all night. Hang overs are so ‘18 year old scenario’ and the Expert Drinker is now over that age bracket!!! The expert drinker knows his/her wine list and wouldn’t be seen caught dead guzzling at shooters. Pass the decanter!
The Outdoor Drinker
Football grounds, Festas, Street Parties and Open Air Parties fall under this umbrella. There are a mix of harmless and aggressive drinkers in this group, they can both be annoying though. Loud out of tune singing, uncontrollable laughter, name-calling and walking haphazardly to burger joints at all unearthly hours of the morning is a prime giveaway of being plastered. Also BELIEVING that you are giving players on the pitch expert advice about throw-ins, corners, passes etc and that you might actually do the job better than the coach is a main cause for concern!
The Chronic/Binge Drinker
These are the people we like to call ‘Zibliet’ …being compared to trash? Luuurrvely!!! NOT! These people drink for any reason under the sun. “Oh look it’s Friday the weekend has started, yeaaaahhh shooters!!! Oh look it’s Saturday I survived yesterday…let’s drink..Oh no another week is about to start tomorrow let’s drink our sorrows away on Sunday….Oh it’s your birthday now is it??….Champagne Champagne for everyone…!” Must I continue? You get the drift…
The Social Drinker
The social drinker is just like the social smoker….. they say they ONLY drink in company of others, but that’s a big fat lie! Secretly they order dry martinis at bars and stock their fridges and cupboards with wine, for those lonely nights. They’re probably those babies whose parents used to dip their dummies in port or whiskey to get them to sleep! Geez!!!! They say “oh yes, I’ll just have the one please…” and then they’re the last ones staggering out of the bar.
The “Add Alcohol to Discover” Drinker
These are the ones with the hidden talent, the stand up comedians, singers and imitators. Usually timid, and soft-spoken they’ll sit quietly, almost as if in a cocoon and top up more often than anyone else, then suddenly flutter about like a giant butterfly entertaining everyone. They tell lewd jokes, flirt uncontrollably, throw themselves into monologues and Pavarotti style performances leaving not a dry eye in the house, The tears are of laughter might I add! These people are a pleasant surprise but MUST be Driven home!
And that ends my list…..May I remind you that this blog is meant to be humorous…so I am in no way condoning any type of drinking and also more importantly may I remind you all, especially during the festive Season ….
DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE!
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Comments
ahh...good times!
great blogs ira:)
Unfortunately, occurrence of the gene depends on race. Sephardic Jews are the greatest carriers, and the gene keeps them out of trouble. The Chinese and the Japanese, however, are not so fortunate.
On the basis of Ira Losco's bazaar of drinkers, it appears that the Maltese could be a bit short on ADH2.