Not all mothers will be able to celebrate Mothers’ Day in two weeks’ time. Some have been rejected by their children after years of pressure from abusive fathers. Sarah Carabott spoke to two heartbroken women who refuse to hang their heads in shame.
Maria’s first ever experience of court was nearly a decade ago, when her son gave evidence against her over alleged abuse.
Her son’s refusal to drop the charges against his mother – something that was questioned by the judge – remains etched on her heart.
Maria*, whose separation proceeding are ongoing, has faced several abuse allegations over the years, but they were ultimately always overturned by the courts.
It all started when she accused her estranged husband of emotional abuse. She has now decided to speak to this newspaper to raise awareness.
The emotional abuse went on for years. Initially, she was not aware that she was actually being abused but knew that something was wrong, especially when her ex’s behaviour switched overnight: “One moment he would be praising me, the next insulting me.”
When she realised that he was pressuring her children to abuse her and risked retaliation if they did not comply, she could take it no longer and left the house.
Her eldest son, now in his 20s, stayed behind. The only time she sees him now is in court, and in the meantime he refuses to reply to her messages.
Feast days, especially Christmas, birthdays and Mother’s Day, are no longer the same.
“They are most painful. If I was sure that he was happy, I would let go. But I’m sure he is hurt, so I cannot give him up. I know my child – we were very close. The very last thing we spoke about was how much I loved him.”
It feels as if part of her body is “missing”, and she longs to hear her son say her name. But above all, she longs for him to be liberated from his father’s control.
But in a way she has had to slowly let go for his sake. She has had to stop sending him gifts, since she knows they will place him in conflict with his father.
Through it all, she has never allowed her children to say anything bad about their father, because she knows that if they disrespect him, they would find it easier to disrespect anyone. She is scared, however, that because of the trauma, they will not have healthy relationships.
As Maria speaks, fellow domestic violence survivor Giovanna* nods in approval. Her story has a different setting but the plot is much the same.
It feels as if part of her body is ‘missing’, and she longs to hear her son say her name
The problem with emotional abuse is that no one sees it until it is too late
Giovanna had hoped things would work out, until her daughter begged her to leave: the pressure that her estranged husband was putting on the girl to hate and abuse her mother was too much. Five years on, her daughter refuses to see her.
Giovanna too is still undergoing separation proceedings. She believes that the longer they take, the longer her estranged partner can continue the abuse.
“The lies and manipulation are unbelievable. Everything I do is wrong: if I give her something, it is because I’m trying to buy her. If I don’t, then I’m mean.
“If I allow her to meet him outside of his access hours, he will tell her that I don’t love her because I gave her up during my time with her.”
Just like Maria, she has also been accused of neglect and emotional abuse, and she believes that forcing children to take their parents to court constitutes child abuse.
The last time she spoke to her daughter, the two spent a nice day out together, but since then, Giovanna has only seen her in court.
The courts have left it up to the underage child to choose whom to spend time with. The woman feels that despite the professionals’ advice, her daughter has been “handed over on a silver platter”.
Giovanna feels like she is childless.
“There is a sense of shame in walking the streets when your child has rejected you. What do you say when people ask whether you have children?
“People who have known me for a long time are shocked. They say: ‘But you and your daughter were so close’.”
However, Giovanna no longer feels any shame. “I will no longer hang my head in shame and say I’ve done wrong.
“Because I haven’t. I can hold my head up, knowing that he has done this to me, to my child… to his child.”
Giovanna admits it took a long time to get to where she is today, and it was not until she met another woman going through the exact same situation that she knew she was not in the wrong.
“I begged for help, but there was no awareness about maternal alienation. I still remember the relief that swept through me when Elaine Compagno (see sidebar) mentioned alienation.”
Robbed of your child’s childhood
Women who are alienated from their children experience a sense of loss and grief for someone who is still alive, meaning they cannot achive closure, according to Elaine Compagno, coordinator of Soar Service.
Soar, a service provided by the Jean Antide Foundation – an organisation committed to supporting vulnerable and poor families – was set up in 2012. It offers peer-to-peer support to female survivors of domestic violence and their families. Soar came across maternal alienation right from the beginning.
Ms Compagno said alienation could happen to both parents, although Soar is a support group for female survivors. She feels that the courts need to be more aware of alienation within the domestic violence context.
Alienation is hard to prove, because it looks like it is the children who do not want to talk to their alienated parent.
Ms Compagno explained that the abusive parent tries to completely erase the other parent from the children’s lives: they do not only sever contact with the mother and her extended family, but also stay away from places they used to frequent together.
The parent ultimately becomes invisible.
“When mothers talk about their alienated children, they recall the last time they spoke to them as if they have lost them.
“They express a sense of loss and grief for someone who is still alive. How do you grieve the loss of your child when they are still alive? There’s no closure, and this means that letting go is more traumatic.
“The mother has to let go for the sake of the child.”
Although there have been cases of reconciliation, the children will have grown up and changed completely. And the alienated parent often feels as if they are speaking to a stranger, as they would have been robbed of their children’s milestones.
Sometimes they do not even know what gift to choose for their own children.
What is maternal alienation?
The term ‘maternal alienation’ was coined by Australian researcher Anne Marris as the alienation of children from their mothers within the context of domestic violence.
There are several manipulative ways, including the use of emotional and psychological abuse, to maintain control over the child.
For years, as the mother is undermined, the child hears character assassination of her through constant verbal abuse by the partner.
This comes in forms both direct and subtle, such as: “Your mother never does anything right” or “Your mother burned the food again because she’s always on the phone.”
The child is then groomed to join the perpetrator in the bullying, and eventually they are separated from the mother.
“Maternal alienation purposefully erases a mother’s identity and continues to be perpetuated well after the victim of abuse has left the violent relationship.
*Names have been changed.
Soar is organising a workshop at the end of the month that will address alienated mothers. Send an email on soarmalta@gmail.com for more information.