A pontifical Mass lasts, more or less, three hours. They are not exactly the most exciting events on earth, but there is one thing that most certainly fascinates me about these official Masses on feast days; and that is the sermon from the pulpit. I love how the preacher goes up the wooden staircase to the intricately-carved pulpit, flings his arms open and starts lauding the saint of the day.

Last Sunday it was the turn of St Joseph. The Dominican preacher in his white and black frock gave an impassioned, quasi-academic speech on the virtues of the man who adopted Jesus, chief among them was his sense of responsibility and fortitude in keeping the family together.

Gradually the priest got to the point he clearly wanted to make all along: the breakdown of families in Malta. In the 60s, he said, married couples used to stay together come what may. Now, he said, it’s different.

“In the past there used to be one couple with half a dozen children; now we have one child who has half a dozen parents.”  He spat that line like it was the most abhorrent thing, as if this one-child-with-half-a-dozen-parents is living in a web of sin.

Well, well, I thought, as I sat up straight on the pew, that’s a touch rude. For a split second I toyed with the idea of raising my hand and politely ask him to update himself on changing face of families.

These days there’s the traditional families with 2.2 kids and there’s the family units which are diverse and quirky. Sometimes the structures can be very complicated, there’s the parent the children live with, there’s the other parent, there’s the partners of the parents, there’s the siblings, the half-siblings, the step-siblings; some they live with, some they see at weekends and some they see only in holidays. But just because it’s complex it does not mean that the children are being raised without values, without a sense of respect, without a sense of civic duty, or without a sense of right or wrong.

We need key people in society – like priests – to support the diversity of a modern family, and to keep in mind that not even Jesus’ was a perfect family after all

Because whatever the shape, the only thing that matters when defining family is, love. Even if the image of family has changed, what defines it hasn’t. And it seemed to me, as I sat under the pulpit that it was very easy for this priest to be cross and judgemental, and that maybe he was in need of some catching up with the modern family culture.

Of course he was right about the bit that in the 60s couples stayed married come what may. They stayed married even if there was abuse in the household, even if there was adultery, even if their lives together were endlessly miserable. There was no option to do otherwise – for financial, religious and taboo reasons.

It is a good idea to channel St Joseph, but up to a certain point. From the Bible, one gets the impression that his was a very harmonious family environment. But not all dynamics are like that and the ‘keeping the family together at all costs’ should not be vociferously promoted, even because a household full of arguments, cold tension and people ignoring each other is the worst possible scenario for the children.

Rather than condemning the modern shape of families, priests should use their pulpit moment to highlight other things: such as how to spot the signs of a bad relationship early on; that you’re better off on your own than in bad company; and the importance for women to be financially independent.

Because whether they like it or not, the nuclear family has been slowly, slowly transforming and many a time, it is for the benefit of society. When author Joanna Trollope was researching her novel Other People’s Children, she told an interviewer: “What became hearteningly plain was that a step-family can be positive and enriching for all its members because it has mended something important that got broken – it mended a broken home.”

During Personal and Social Development lessons at schools, children are encouraged to talk about the shape of their family. Children talk, they need to talk and they are happy to share. And so do we, as a society: at work, at home, in the media, and … even in church. The time for stifling discussion is over – thankfully we left that behind us in the 60s.

Blending two families, each with its own dynamics, in-jokes, habits, traditions, vocabulary and history is not easy and takes time. Which is why we need key people in society – like priests – to support the diversity of a modern family, and to keep in mind that not even Jesus’ was a perfect family after all.

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Twitter: @KrisChetcuti