“ ’Ullo, ’ullo, ’ullo!”

“Ah good morning warden, is something the matter?”

“Is something the matter, he says, is something the matter?”

“Well, is it? I mean I am parked within a designated white lined parking zone, so?”

“Oh really? I should look again if I were you ħabib.”

“There, I just looked, and yes, I am correctly parked. So why are you standing over me ready to issue a citation?”

“Because my friend… because you are committing a serious felony; correction: a very serious felony.”

“Like what?”

“Like what, he says. Like what?”

“Yes, I thought you were only supposed to issue warnings for a first mild offence. So I want to know why you are about to issue a citation?”

“Ha! Not a chance. The best fun I get on this job is booking people. And If you don’t know what you’ve done… it’s not my place to enlighten you.”

“Um, excuse me warden, but if you are about to book me, it most certainly is your place to enlighten me.”

“You’ll read it on the ticket ġbin, here.”

“It says here that you have booked me for… parking abusively. How come?”

“How come, he says… I’ll tell you how come.”

“I wish you would.”

“Just take a look at where your left rear off wheel is situated.”

“It’s barely touching the white line, certainly not over it.”

“Touching the white line! Absolutely. You, my friend, are in serious breach of the law.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Oh, so you are contradicting an official law enforcement officer now are you?”

“If you put it like that… yes I am.”

“Wow! Are you in trouble now! You, ġbin, are in deep, deep demel, believe me.”

“Why?”

“Why, he says… why?”

“Yes, for goodness sake… why?”

“Because you have parked abusively.”

“Rubbish!”

I need immediate assistance to take this hardened criminal to the lock-up

“Rubbish is it… Listen to me, sunshine: you have broken the law big time. And it’s lucky for you that this country has not hung anyone for a while, or I would be applying for capital punishment for you.”

“WHAT?! You must be crazy… capital punishment for a parking offence. You have got to be joking.”

“An abusive parking offence… and that’s no ordinary parking offence ġbin. In fact, it’s about as grim as it gets. To level with you, I am now seriously contemplating bringing you before a judge and jury and requesting the maximum sentence for this one.”

“This is crazy, we’re in la, la land.”

“No, my friend, we’re in Malta, and I am here to enforce the law.”

“Then the law is an ass!”

“You can tell that to the judge. I’m sure he’d be most interested to hear it… Just before he sends you down for the maximum 12 years hard labour.”

“For a parking offence?... which I dispute, incidentally.”

“You can dispute it as much as you like, squire, I have got photographic evidence to back up my case. Not that I need it, of course. It’s just handy to have it in case some cock-eyed optimist, like you, decides to take a futile punt on a not guilty verdict.”

“We’ll see about that.”

“Yes we will… down at the depot, as soon as I put these cuffs on you.”

“Cuffs? But I’m not a criminal. You can’t put those on me… you’re not even a proper policeman.”

“No sieħeb, I’m better than a policeman, I am an omnipotent local warden; I can do anything I like… and right now what I am liking is watching you squirm, while I march you through town like a trussed-up chicken.”

“No way! Get your filthy hands off me. What are you doing? Oh no you don’t.”

“Terrific! Resisting arrest, that’s another 18 months in the slammer.”

“Just… get lost you jumped-up little Nazi.”

“Right, that does it. (Dials a number on his mobile) Rapid Response Unit? Yes, this is local warden number 1006. I need back-up and I need it now. Will you please get to the Shop-till-U-Drop Shopping complex in – what do you mean, no? I am a law and order professional and I am holding a dangerous felon on my own and I need immediate assistance to take this hardened criminal to the lock-up… So that’s what you think of us is it! Let me tell you… hullo, hullo!”

“Touché.”

“What? Hey come back… come back!”

Valedictory message

I have been contributing articles to The Sunday Times of Malta under the pen name Sylvanus for almost 30 years.

In this time I have served under three editors and have experienced exceptional tolerance and indeed cooperation from all three. Sadly, the powers-that-be at Allied have decided that enough is as good as a feast and this will be the final Sylvanus article to appear in this newspaper.

Let me just say, it has been a helluva lot of fun and I just hope that some of my pieces have touched a chord somewhere.

Been nice knowing you all.

Saħħa kulħadd.

Sylvanus