“Oh, come in Bugeja.”

“Yeah, mind if I sit?”

“Yes, I do mind. As your headmaster, I sent for you not for a cosy, relaxed chat, but to deal with you and your recent recalcitrant behaviour.”

“Deal with my what?”

“Sir!”

“Yeah that.”

“Sir!”

“Whatever… ”

“SIR!”

“Sir. Happy now?”

“No, I am not happy. Bugeja, I am not happy at all.”

“Well isn’t life a bitch… sir! Maybe if you tried a couple of these happy pills you’d cheer up a bit.”

“Which brings me neatly to the reason why I’ve summoned you to my study today. Bugeja, it has come to my notice that you have apparently been selling illegal drugs to your fellow pupils.”

“So?”

“So! So! Xiġifiri so?”

“Well if I don’t sell them someone else will. Why, what are you after… a cut?”

“How dare you! Boy, I told you not to sit.”

“I’m tired, I’ve been up all night partying.”

“Your behaviour is becoming – no… has become intolerable. I’ve a good mind to expel you from this school forthwith.”

“You can’t do that.”

“Oh yes I can.”

“Ha! Just try… you’ll be out of a job in seconds flat.”

“What I do intend to do Bugeja is to summon your parents to my study. They need to be put in the picture regarding their unmanageable son.”

“Well good luck with that… sir.”

“What do you mean?”

Get out of my study and out of school, you’re expelled

“Ma might come… if she can bring her current boyfriend, the one I call ‘Uncle’ Martin. Pa may be more of a problem.”

“Oh, and why is that?”

“It’s a lifestyle thing. Ever since he and Ma split up he’s been a bit… so to speak, in and out.”

“In and out of what… jail?”

“No, nothing that cool. In and out of… well, last week it was ‘Auntie’ Cheryl… this week – so far – it’s ‘Aunty’ Fifi. I think I prefer ‘Aunty’ Cheryl, she was one of my best customers.”

“Right! That’s it, I’ve heard enough. Get out of my study and out of school, you’re expelled.”

“Not a chance, and if I were you, sunshine, I’d be careful about what you say to me – and mindful of who you’re talking to. See, my Pa is far too important for me to ever get expelled. Besides, it would ruin my business.”

“Your Pa? Your Pa is Leli il-bajjad… Leli the whitewasher.”

“Not any more he isn’t. Not since the minister made him a ‘person of trust’ within the ministry.”

“Leli the whitewasher a person of trust? Don’t make me laugh.”

“It’s no joke; so I suggest you withdraw your empty threat and treat me with the respect I deserve.”

“My God! The world is going absolutely crazy.”

“You got a light?”

“A – look, I don’t care who your father is, I will not allow you to smoke a cigarette in my study. Put that box of matches down at once!”

(Casually lights a spliff)

“Pfeeew! That’s better – and by the way, this is not a cigarette, this is weed… you want one?”

“Great God in heaven! Leli the whitewasher’s son smoking marijuana in my study.”

“Correction; these days I am Leli the person of trust within the ministry’s… and soon to be… five-star hotelier’s son.”

“WHAT?”

“Yeah, didn’t you know; my Pa is building a brand spanking new five-star hotel in Birżebbugia; The Bugeja Palace Hotel. And he’s paying the perit and the builders in cash. So there! ”

“And to think I voted for this corrupt bunch.”

“Yeah, you and about a million others.”

“Well roll on the next general election.”

“Ha! Dream on losers. You think we’ll let the other lot back in after just five years? Dream on.”

“OK that’s it, there’s only one thing left to say to you.”

“Oh yeah, and what’s that then?”

“Will you roll me one of those things, I’m a total nervous wreck.”