This week a distraught friend told me how her husband of over 15 years had been, for the last year, behaving rather oddly. He started telling her – daily – that he only stayed with her because he pitied her; that he had never really enjoyed her company; that he felt that out there there could be women with whom he could have a better relationship; that she did not make him feel fulfilled. She spoke of how he was constantly giving her the cold shoulder; how he started going out on his own, even travelling on his own; and how he was all the time suggesting that they should separate.

My heart sank with each of her outpours. This was your usual script. He clearly wanted out, and was psychologically abusing her in the process. She – who treasured long years of memories with him – could not understand what was happening and felt like the world was crumbling at her feet, and that she was the only one to blame for it. And instead of packing up and leave, she was staying put, to have her confidence trampled upon and her spirit crushed.

She is not the first and won’t be the last woman to go through the pain and sorrow of a one-sided relationship breakdown. And there is very little you can do to assuage the pain, except to listen and encourage breaking free.

That same day, Victim Support Malta coordinated an event to mark One Billion Rising – a global movement to end violence against women. They held an activity at the University and the main message was to educate; to teach young people how to recognise the signs of bad relationships and the sort of behaviour that can worsen. These are skills of life that we are not born with, but that we badly need to be trained in. The targets were men too: an important part of the education programme requires men examining their own behaviour with women.

Victim Support Malta has been tireless in its work to create awareness in society about the difficulties that women have to go through when they find themselves as victims. But there is need of a major cultural shift for more taboos to be smashed.

A friend of mine while going through the separation process, was constantly threatened by her ex-husband. When she plucked up courage and filed a report, she was made to feel worse: at the station, the police showed no sign of empathy and told her to “go home and try and make up”.  When she eventually went to court, the sentence was so mild and the fine so low that she was practically unprotected against her controlling and physically abusive husband.

Another acquaintance was gutted when after she filed for separation, after years of being manipulated by her husband, she had to sit opposite him for family mediation, despite the clear power imbalance. Her husband sat there telling all at table how great he was, how much he loved her, how it was the fault of her lawyer that they broke up and how it was best if they get back together again. So broken was she, that she very nearly did that.

We all – men and women – have the duty to ensure that our society offers a healthy cushioning system against abusive behaviour – because everyone has the right to be protected from having their spirit crushed

These three women I mention are all strong, independent and an inspiration to many in their different fields, and it is very rattling to see them slowly morph into shadows of what they once were – all because society is not yet organised to provide them with a system which backs them up and prevents them from becoming victims.

Data tabled in Parliament earlier this week showed how last year 1,272 domestic violence reports were filed, which compares drastically to the 116 filed a decade ago. This means that slowly people (the majority are women) are not as fearful to report domestic crimes.

The majority of victims who filed reports to the police suffered psychological harm (577 cases) and slight bodily harm through physical force (579 cases).

But what happens after the report is filed? There is, shamefully, no data which throws light on how many offenders were found guilty; what punishments they got; how many protection orders were issued; and the number of crimes committed by repeat offenders. Victim Support Malta suspects that the majority of offenders get away scot-free, which is horrifyingly disheartening for the victims. And it ought to be disheartening for society too.

We like to brand ourselves as the coolest when it comes to gender equality, but the reality is that we are still a far way off. These are some of the few things we need to get sorted urgently:

■ Better coordination between police, health professionals and social workers.

■ Setting up of an on-call team made up of social workers, health and police.

■ A protocol on how to proceed in domestic violence cases for magistrates and judges.

■ A campaign to promote NGOs which offer psychological and emotional support.

■ An education campaign to make women more financially independent.

We all – men and women – have the duty to ensure that our society offers a healthy cushioning system against abusive behaviour – because everyone has the right to be protected from having their spirit crushed.

krischetcuti@gmail.com
Twitter: @KrisChetcuti

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