The scene is the St Stacey band club in the village of Ħas Siġra.

The occasion: The grand opening of an exhibition of watercolours of Maltese landscapes by Maltese artist Gaejtano Domenico Sant.

Programme:

The proceedings will start at 7pm sharp.

The invited distinguished guests will be welcomed by the evening’s compére, Ms Debbie Box Mangion, in a ‘short’ speech.

Next, the distinguished invited guests will be entertained wondrously by a selection of operatic arias sung by Ms Rita Samorana (mezzo soprano), accompanied by the St Stacey band, conducted by Maestro Giorgio Panzaveccia.

Following this, Ms Box Mangion will introduce the president of St Stacey band club, who will address the invited distinguished guests… at length.

This will be followed by another musical interlude, introduced by Ms Box Mangion, whereby Charles Abdilla Wenn (violin) will play a selection of Viennese waltzes.

This, in turn, will be followed by Ms Box Mangion announcing a ‘short’ speech by Professor Karmenu Decleppo Borgesse, the artist’s former tutor and mentor, who will address the invited distinguished guests and expand on his former pupil’s artistic technique and philosophy.

Ms Debbie Box Mangion will then introduce yet another short musical interlude, which will be provided by Grace Attard Schembri (bassoon), who will further entrance the invited distinguished guests by playing Goetz’s second bassoon concerto… all of it!

He only finally abandons the podium when he observes that two-thirds of the distinguished invited audience are either unconscious or absent

Following on from this, Ms Box Mangion will bring the artist himself to the microphone, whereupon Mr Gaejtano Domenico Sant will give a ‘short’ address to the assembled invited distinguished guests, outlining some of the works on display.

And finally, Ms Box Mangion will wind up the proceedings by requesting the assembled invited distinguished guests to proceed through to the ‘gallery’ where they may view and purchase some of the artist’s works.

That is the bare bones of the proceedings. In fact, the following is the more likely programme:

Programme:

The proceedings will commence at 7pm sharp… (dragging on to nearer 8.15pm, since nothing ever starts on time.)

The invited distinguished guests (and other curious gatecrashers with nothing better to do) will be welcomed by the evening’s compére, Ms Debbie Box Mangion, in a short speech… (lasting not less than 14 minutes and containing the usual interminable repetition and cross-references to previous exhibitions of art work at the każin by other local daubers.)

Next, the distinguished invited guests (those who are still awake) will be entertained wondrously by a selection of operatic arias sung (or rather screeched) by Ms Rita Samorana (mezzo soprano… with brass-lined lungs), accompanied (at least some of the time) by the St Stacey band, conducted by Maestro George Panzaveccia.

Following this (mercifully) short recital, Ms Box Mangion will introduce (again at great length) the president of St Stacey band club, who will address the distinguished invited guests… (at least the ones who hadn’t sneaked out to the bar during the musical interlude), with a never ending monologue blagging up the band club’s dubious altruism in giving over one of its uglier and under-used rooms to show off 15 watercolours of luzzus at Marsaxlokk, sunsets at Mdina and the Azure Window without tourists on top.

He will then drone on ad nauseum about how much the każin supports the arts – with a small a – and how they aren’t doing this for the money  – apart from the overpriced fee. He only finally and reluctantly abandons the podium when he observes that two-thirds of the distinguished invited audience are either unconscious or absent.

This will be followed by another musical interlude, introduced by Ms Box Mangion, during which Charles Abdilla Wenn (violin) will play a selection of Viennese waltzes (which turn out to be not nearly as excruciating as was anticipated. The guy may actually have a soupcan of musical talent.)

This, in turn, will be followed by Ms Box Mangion announcing a ‘short’ speech by Professor Karmenu Decleppo Borgesse, Mr Domenico Sant’s former tutor and mentor, who will address the invited distinguished guests and expand on his former pupil’s artistic technique and philosophy (which opens the door for a tedious 30-minute overview of the talentless dauber’s past history. By the end of it… the room is practically empty… nuff said.)

(Inevitably the bassoon solo and the artist’s spiel will play out to an empty room. What price culture?)