Plato said “love is a mentalillness”. Author Fran Lebowitz described love as a “pleasurable mental illness”. A psychology graduate quipped that “love leads to mental illness because it makes you do stupid things!”
Love is epitomised by Valentine’s Day which is arguably the commercial manifestation of love. But is Valentine’s Day really a manifestation of true love and is this day good for our mental health? A study by Susan Davenport shows that Valentine’s Day is associated with an increased incidence of self-harm due to relationship break-ups. Clinical experience derived from local crisis teams reflects her findings. A break-up at a time when the media and marketing forces are all lovey-dovey, can lead to a catastrophic set of behaviours with potentially tragic consequences. Harbouring psychological problems a priori can worsen the crisis.
There are also distinct syndromes associated with love. According to WHO’s International Classification of Disease, bipolar disorder may present with “over-familiarity, increased sexual energy, euphoric sociability and overconfidence”. Although these attributes do not necessarily solicit romance, they may appear attractive on the surface.
Love (which has a never ending list of valid definitions) allows us to cope with stress in an increasingly demanding world
However, there is little substance to their initial courting and daily functioning, leading to ‘severe disruption of work’ and ‘results in social rejection’. Predictably, the divorce rate among untreated bipolar sufferers is an alarming 90 per cent according to Michelle Roberts. The key issue here is that these people suffer a great deal and feel tremendously embarrassed about their indiscretions when they recover.
It follows that bipolar sufferers unfortunately have high rates of suicide and self-harm. Similarly, their loved ones are left to face a vortex of shame, hurt and anger as they have to come to terms with this putative infidelity and vexing disorder. Bipolar disorder can thus present as a collective love crisis.
Last general election, a gentle elderly lady who lived opposite a political party club was convinced that the village MP was madly in love with her. Interpreting his Tagħna lkoll speeches as veiled love notes solely for her, she reciprocated by sending him endless notes and flowers and was in the front row at every meeting.
Being a politically sensitive period, the MP begged me to convince her that he was absolutely not in love with her and that she was going to land him into trouble both at home and in parliament.
This lady suffered from erotomania which is a rare disorder in which an individual has a false and fixed belief that a person of higher social status falls in love and makes amorous advances towards him/her. These people are usually socially isolated, unemployed and may stalk the VIP concerned. These people need professional help for what is a treatable disorder, spending a long time pining for the attention of their ‘loved one’.
It is also not uncommon for distraught women and (sometimes men) to seek psychological and legal support when their partners are excessively and unreasonably jealous. Known as morbid jealousy, this is described as a range of irrational thoughts and emotions, together with associated unacceptable or extreme behaviour, in which the dominant theme is a preoccupation with a partner’s sexual unfaithfulness based on unfounded evidence.
Associated with alcohol, drug use and domestic violence, it runs in families and can decimate relationships. It is crucial for the victim to seek help early as the prognosis worsens with time. More importantly, the jealous partner can rarely kill his/her partner and the suspected lover.
But what about the positive effects of love from a psychological standpoint? Love (which has a never ending list of valid definitions), allows us to cope with stress in an increasingly demanding world. In fact, the ability to adequately cope with stress, is a protective factor against mental illness. John Bowlby defined attachment as a “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings”. In Attachment (1969), Bowlby discusses the crucial importance of the secure relationship on the development of adaptiveness and coping capacity throughout life.
Jonathan Fader has some words of caution about Valentine’s Day: go beyond the marketing hype. This shouldn’t be the day where all one’s love is bottled up for the other or be perceived as a perfect day. Don’t compare your experience with the romanticised versions portrayed by the media and by others. Your experience is yours: resist the host of expectations including gifts, special dinners, and romantic paraphernalia as being the only way to express your love.
Like Christmas, Valentine’s Day should be everyday. Finally for those who have been stood up or are single, do not despair or compare. You are a special person who deserves to be loved. You do not need Valentine’s Day to love. Seek that love from those around you. Persevere and do not give up on your feelings. You will be surprised at what this may hold.
Mark Xuereb is a crisis psychiatrist.