The news that the authorities may be contemplating abolishing the Ministry of Gozo has prompted a somewhat extreme response from some Gozitans. With the prospect of our sister island once more falling under the direct jurisdiction of Malta, a new and somewhat militant faction has sprung up in Gozo, known as The Gozitan Republican Army.
Its manifesto states that it is intent on employing guerrilla tactics in order to ensure the total independence of that little blob in the middle of the Med.
So, sensing a story, I, Sylvanus braved high seas and low expectations in order to secure an exclusive interview with the putative leader of the prospective putsch. And, after putting out discreet feelers, I was eventually granted an audience with said head honcho at his secret hideout in Kerċem.
I was taken from the ferry in a Range Rover with blacked-out windows, by four masked men, and brought, via a roundabout route, to the headquarters of The Gozitan Republican Army in the back streets of Kerċem. Once there, I was blindfolded. This puzzled me, and I said to one of my captors: “Weren’t you supposed to blindfold me before we set out, so that I wouldn’t know where I was being taken?” He replied: “This is Gozo, we do things differently here.”
I was led into what smelt like a farmhouse that had very recently been occupied by loud young Maltese weekenders who couldn’t hold their drink… at either end. This was sort of confirmed when I was taken into the presence of the group’s leader, where the stench of three-day-old vomit and urine was overpowering.
(The leader) was dressed in camouflage fatigues, with a black beret at a jaunty angle on his head
The bearded leader sat behind a desk… well, OK, an occasional table, dressed in camouflage fatigues, with a black beret at a jaunty angle on his head… the leader, not the occasional table. His military appearance would have been more impressive had he not been just over five feet in height and as tall as he was wide.
He refused my proffered handshake and got straight down to business. He told me his name was Benny Splatt Mangion, but that I should call him General Ché. Fair enough.
He informed me that before he formed the GRA, he, plus a few dedicated followers, started the Gozo independence thrust by giving birth to the precursor of the GRA, entitled the Gozo Independence Movement Means Entitlement (GIMME).
He also told me that I was the first Maltese foreigner to be invited to the GRA’s secret headquarters, a location known only to the high command of the GRA. But he added: “If you want to rent it for the weekend sometime, you can find it on Facebook under the name Benny Splatt Mangion’s Weekend Farmhouses.”
He then informed me that, contrary to suggestions from some quarters, the GRA were not, in fact, bent on world domination: “Just Gozo to start, then we’ll see.”
He made it quite clear that they did not want a tunnel linking Gozo to Malta: “Just give us the money, we’ll know how to spend it.” He added that, once they had declared independence, the GRA would obtain EU money to build what the general called: “The hugest bloody air terminus (sic) in the Europe.”
He added that while the GRA did not expect Malta to take up arms to deter their ambitions: “If they want to fight with us, I send all the womens and childrens to the Citadella, then we mans will finish things. Għax you know that every boy in Għawdex get a shotgun even before he can walk. So no need to make it the army, is it. Every mans will fight… except all the shopkeepers and restauranteurs. Għax even though we is at war, we must still stay open to make business with the ‘tyourists’ and invaders, ey.”
After the audience I was once again blindfolded, bundled into the back of the Range Rover, where my blindfold was removed; then I was driven once more to Mġarr, to board the ferry back to civilis – er… Malta.
I considered myself fortunate to be allowed to leave the GRA’s secret HQ unharmed, to return to the potential enemy. Unharmed, that is… apart from being weighed down with brochures for General Ché’s weekend farmhouses. Special prices off-season.