Dear President Donald J. Trump, We know that from this day forward it’s going to be only America first. Great America first. Thumbs up from a very tiny island; amazing, but tiny.

We wanted to let you know that we are super-classy and that we are great guys, and just in case you were not aware, it was a Maltese guy who came up with this country-first business. “Malta l-ewwel u qabel kollox” (Malta first and foremost) he cried out, which is a bit like what you say, although of course, you say America, not Malta. It’s unbelievable. Like you, he kicked out all foreign businesses and we had the amazing Catch chocolate. Where’s Catch now? See?! That is what you get when you put Other Countries First.

We truly believe that even though we are far away, and not in America, we can be friends. It doesn’t matter that we are also friends with China and that they are your arch-enemies, because like you, we get on very well with Russians; there are so many here and they’re great guys, especially the ladies.

We are writing to you because we want to be friends with the new Great America; don’t bother with others, we are a much better country than all the rest. We are an island, and when you’re born on an island, you have to side with winners: and you are a winner. It’s true! It’s great! Love!

Let’s tell you about us. Our ancestors, starting from thousands of years ago, were always winning. So much winning. We won against the elephants who lived in Għar Dalam. We booted them out. We won against the Arabs, the Romans, the Normans, the Spanish. Even the French. We kicked out that loser Napoleon. We even told the British to get off our land. They didn’t have the great Farage then, they had Harold Wilson for Prime Minister; so overrated.

Over the centuries, we won so much that we almost got bored with winning. It’s true! But we can never totally get bored because, just like you, we love winning: we are all the time having competitions: the most amazing fireworks, the most terrific festa, the most amazing political party; the greatest football team; the most super faċċata… Which is why we’re huge – although we’re tiny.

Maybe they will even project Gasan Senior’s face on the towers, like you did on the Empire State Building. That was great. It was so, so, amazing

Also we’re totally with you about the massive crowd – the biggest crowd in the history of people – at your inauguration. We love comparing crowds too! Thank you! We have political party mass meetings, and then after we go home and watch the news so we can say who had millions and millions of followers. And then we go ‘Wow! That was a sea of people!’ The other group always clearly have less. That’s because they’re losers. Our group always has an unbelievable, record-setting turnout. It’s great!

And your Trump Towers; they are amazing! They are super-super luxury. We don’t have one here, but we have a Tumas Tower, which is fantastic but it’s not so big. So now we’re going to have a huge Silvio Debono Tower instead of that ITS school. Fantastic! And we’re going to have two really high Gasan Towers in Mrieħel and another one even bing, bang, bong in the middle of Sliema. It’s extraordinary! Maybe they will even project Gasan Senior’s face on the towers, like you did on the Empire State Building. That was great! It was so, so, amazing! We agree with you, you can never be too greedy.

Also, all these towers, they’re good because they can give us shade. It’s hot here in summer. But this winter it’s been cold, so you’re right: we need global warming. Which is why we’ll be the only country in the EU that won’t achieve its climate and energy directive targets by 2020. We’re clever!

Now about that wall you’re building in Mexico. We’d like to build a wall, a great, great wall on our southern border. Stretching around Marsa, Ħal Far, and all those areas down there where those illegals live. You know, Syria, and Ethiopia, Mali and Eritrea; they’re not sending in the best people. They’re sending millions and millions that have lots of problems and they’re bringing those problems with them. They’re pouring in! They’re bringing different food. Different style of clothes. Different language. Different skin colour. It’s disgusting! Unbelievable!

We say to ourselves, if these people can stay so poor for so many generations, maybe they aren’t the kind of people we want to have around. How smart can they be? They’re morons! They’re zero! They have to go back to the desert and their huts. Maybe we ought to build a wall in the sea. You said can build walls inexpensively. How much, exactly? Ejja. Nagħmlu deal?

Like you, we are have high IQs. We know words. We have the best words, but there is no better word, or rather, sound, than wolf whistling. Right? We have great respect for women, especially when they have a nice piece of ass, and we tell them that, right? Because we respect them too much.

Oh, and there’s another thing we have in common. It’s extraordinary! We also have alternative facts. Particularly when it’s about Panama. Everything is alternative. It is shameful that the media is pretty bad about it. I blame the media, because really, there’s love in Panama. And we won’t go bankrupt.

And finally we just want to say how much we love your overcomb. It’s huge! It’s tremendous! Just like Joe Cutajar’s and Freddie Portelli’s. Truly classy!

Dear President, we end on this note but we want to give you a standing ovation. The longest standing ovation in the history of people. Please say hello to Malta next time you’re on television. It would be great, amazing! Thank you!

krischetcuti@gmail.com
Twitter: @KrisChetcuti