Psychologist Joshua Aquilina, who works with adolescents at the Junior College, says parents can forge a strong relationship with their children mainly by listening to them and understanding them. Simonne Pace learns that it takes more than a parent’s unconditional love to survive the teenage years.

Adolescence is a period of transition. As with any change in our lives, adapting to this phase is not without its challenges. Major development occurs in the adolescent brain, along with hormonal, physical, cognitive and psychological changes. Having to keep up with the demands of academic life makes this time even more stressful for a teenager.

On the psychological front, many adolescents describe this time as an explorative period during which they are discovering who they really are. It is also a time when romantic relationships start to bloom, with sexual experimentation adding extra pressure.

Joshua Aquilina, a psychologist working with adolescents in guidance and counselling at the Junior College and privately, says adults can forge a strong relationship with teenagers mainly by listening and understanding them. Parents must be open and non-judgemental to what their teenage children say and show them they understand what they are going through.

They can achieve this by doing fun things together, sticking to their word, giving their children the space they need, really listening to them and what they are saying before speaking, remembering what it was like to be a teenager, reading up on teenage development to understand their children better and finding the right opportunity to speak to them and talk about things they are interested in.

Mr Aquilina says an important part of his work is to empower teenagers to speak about any problems they might encounter in an open and respectful way.

A common problem in teenagers he feels very strongly about is bullying.

“I see too many cases of adolescents who were bullied, as children, and until the age of 16 or even later. The fact that people are unkind and mean to others for no apparent reason perplexes me. Young people who have been bullied have to live with this pain all their lives. These people sometimes take parts of what bullies have told them and attribute them to being a part of their personality. This can lead to low self-esteem, poor academic performance, social withdrawal, loneliness, depression and anxiety.”

Evidence shows that active anti-bullying strategies and strong leadership from senior staff members within schools, together with schemes, such as peer mentoring, can have a significant influence on reducing the incidence of bullying.

Mr Aquilina believes schools play a critical part in determining the well-being of students. However, parents or guardians also have the responsibility of fostering important values such as being kind, caring, non-judgemental and respectful to others to reduce the incidence of bullying.

“Teaching people of all ages to be assertive with bullies and not feeling ashamed to ask for support and help when needed is a powerful tool that can counteract bullying. Being assertive involves being direct and confronting in a collective way when bullied and not letting fear and anger get the better of you,” he says.

The psychologist and counsellor also helps young people with issues such as personal development, abuse, addiction, sexual identity, depression, anxiety and bereavement. He has years of experience with drug and alcohol addictions, as well as with adolescents who experience trauma and abuse, adult cancer patients and their relatives and elderly adults with mild dementia.

A teenager’s outlook on life can be close-ended and extremely bleak at this time. A major part of Mr Aquilina’s work with adolescents is helping them learn about the different options available and encouraging them to find out what works for them

Are there differences between adolescent boys and girls?

These differences have been researched since the early 1990s but we still do not fully understand why they exist, Mr Aquilina explains.

“Different socialisation and life experiences, along with biological differences clearly contribute to this. However, how they perceive things is highly influenced by gender stereotypes society implies. Boys share a lack of interest in emotional relationships but girls thrive on them,” he says.

Research shows that boys tend to be more self-assured and confident at this stage and are more willing to explore new ideas. Girls show higher traits of anxiety, fear, moodiness, worry, envy, frustration, jealousy and loneliness, while at the same time display more feelings and are generally more agreeable and friendlier. Both boys and girls worry about their self-image, particularly when it comes to peer relationships and acceptance.

The most common problems he comes across in adolescents are anxiety, depression, being unsure of the future, especially with education and career, learning about self-identity, developing and maintaining good relationships with parents, friends and romantic partners, coping with academic pressure and dealing with past experiences of bullying.

A teenager’s outlook on life can be close-ended and extremely bleak at this time. A major part of Mr Aquilina’s work with adolescents is helping them learn about the different options available and encouraging them to find out what works for them.

This varies according to the individual, their coping strategies and support systems, he says.

“The concept of family has changed and this has led to different means of communication. Technology has also contributed to this change. Families should keep the basic pillars of communication intact by being non-judgemental, offering unconditional love and respect and being empathic with their children. Adolescents go through a lot of changes during this time so, as a parent, keeping calm during chaos can be extremely helpful. Adolescence is a period of individual identity formation that teenagers need to get to on their own, while being surrounded by understanding, loving and respectful people.”

What is the impact of divorce on teenagers? Can they go through a marriage break-up with their family ‘healthily’?

Adolescents experiencing parental divorce have the ability to understand more about what is going on in the home than their younger peers. They are also less likely to blame themselves in comparison to children and know that they did not cause the divorce, says Mr Aquilina, who also had the opportunity to carry out voluntary work in Africa and spent a short time working with people suffering mental disorders in a hospital setting.

According to research, adolescents more often blame their fathers for the divorce and father-daughter relationships tend to deteriorate following divorce. Teenage girls are twice as likely than teenage boys to report prolonged anger in response to their parents’ divorce and tend to provide more emotional support to their mother.

“Going through it in a healthy way would involve processing this anger and preserving previous relationships rather than letting them drift away. Most adolescents experience stress and feelings of loss when their parents leave each other. Many have difficulty coping with anger, often showing sadness, acting-out behaviour, emotional and social withdrawal and anxiety about the future,” Mr Aquilina says.

“Parents can help facilitate the effects of their divorce on their adolescent children by cooperating, not using the children as pawns, supporting each other’s parenting efforts when possible and maintaining a good relationship with their children. Creating a new, stable family routine and keeping the same standard of living when possible are also crucial.”

How to talk to teenagers

1. Accept their individuality.

2. Be psychologically and emotionally available for them.

3. Support their autonomy while ensuring continued monitoring and emotional connectedness.

4. Offer warmth and support.

5. Be patient.

6. Listen actively.

7. Negotiate rules, expectations and responsibilities, explaining and giving rationales.

8. Use various levels and forms of communication – all are important.

9. You want to know what is happening in your adolescent’s life but this sometimes feels like an interrogation. Adolescents dislike being interrogated.

10. Your teenager will talk but not always when you want.

11. Your teenager will talk, but not about the things they consider private. If they are talking to someone else about these things, like a friend, then at least they are getting it out of their system and talking about it.

12. Your teenager will talk but not if there is the feeling that you are busy.

13. It is good that you get in tune with your adolescent and this can be done by looking into what posture your teenager feels comfortable with for communication and by looking at non-verbal communication: What is their body saying? What are they saying when they do not say something?

14. It’s good for parents to keep in mind that even though adolescents sometimes do not reply or talk much, it does not mean that they are not listening and do not want your presence in their lives.

Ten ways to motivate teenagers

1. Listen to what they have to say without interrupting or disrespecting them.

2. Respect that they are the biggest experts of themselves.

3. Treat them as teenagers – someone who is neither a child nor an adult but somewhere in between.

4. Use humour not sarcasm.

5. Don’t just try to understand them but show them you understand them and what they’re going through.

6. Discuss what they have to gain or lose from a certain situation.

7. Use failure as an opportunity for them to learn something rather than a moment to highlight their failure.

8. Help them to split bigger tasks into smaller, achievable parts.

9. Make things fun, especially by being creative.

10. Take a non-judgemental stance.