I have to confess that when I read the header in The Times recently: “Speaker to spend €10,000 on official cuff-links” I thought April Fool’s Day had arrived three months early. I mean cuff-links? Who do you know who still wears cuff-links? OK my father used to wear them… sometimes, even one of my old university lecturers… on occasion sported a pair, but for crying out loud, this is 2017.

The Speaker has apparently taken it onto himself to order a great pile of these obsolete accoutrements to be given away to visiting dignitaries. This conjured up a lovely picture of the Emir of somewhere oil-rich in the Persian Gulf turning up in the Speaker’s office in his dishdash, to be presented with something he doesn’t need and will certainly never use. As it says on Youtube: “Only in Malta.”

But it gets worse, these ‘oh so desirable’ gewgaws are not even going to be made out of solid silver, they are to be silver plated for goodness sake. So when the Emir of wherever shows up chez Speaker, Dr Anglu Farrugia will presumably have to tell the gentleman not to rub too hard with the silver polish or he’ll soon be through to the brass underneath.

We are also told that said trinkets will bear the image of the new Parliament building on them… big deal!

What’s the betting each recipient will then have to explain to everyone back home that – no, it’s not a cheese grater, it’s Malta’s seat of power.

He might just as well give his guests stuff like silver (plated) shoe buckles or a wig block

As these things are never quite what they appear on the surface, I can only assume that somebody in cahoots with the government has taken delivery of a massive job-lot of silver plated cuff-links and is looking for a way to get rid of them, while making a few bob in the process.

But honestly… cuff-links are so last century. He might just as well give his guests stuff like silver (plated) shoe buckles or a wig block. I mean, what’s wrong with sticking with the good old bog standard silver dagħjsa or luzzu? Not exactly useful, I’ll grant you, but at least they fit neatly into a vetrina and can be exhibited accordingly… as opposed to bloody useless cuff-links.

I’m afraid the whole affair merely underscores my long-held belief that politicians are totally and utterly clueless when it comes to good taste and culture in general.

And before somebody accuses me of singling out the current administration for censure, this also applies – and how – to the previous government. Just take a gander at that worthless heap of rubbish next door to the newish Parliament building that rejoices in the misnomer of Teatru Rjal. Oh purleez, it is neither theatrical or royal. I truly can’t imagine even some half-cocked Ruritanian monarch claiming that open-to-the-elements abomination as worthy of royal approval. It’s a disaster and it’s high time we acknowledge the fact and rectify the mess.

But let’s return to those ghastly sleeve fastners; if these idiots in power want to throw our money around on cheap and nasty gifts for foreign dignitaries, why stop at cufflinks? What’s wrong with reverting to the good old wedding gift standby of a silver… sorry, silver plated… photo frame (if you really must be vulgar). But, with respect, I don’t suggest he fills said frame with a portrait of himself. He is – how shall I put this? – not overly endowed with too many pulchritudinous virtues.

Or if Mr Speaker really does want to honour his guests with more personal items of jewellery, why not get right up to date and donate, say, an inscribed belly-button, nipple or nose ring. Very tasteful, and it also shows that he is indeed living in 2017.

However, since it is our money that is being squandered on these so-called gifts, might I suggest that a lot of cash can be saved if he simply donates to each VIP a neat, white T-shirt emblazoned with a portrait of our esteemed PM’s lunar visage, with the legend ‘Malta tagħna lkoll’ underneath. Problem solved.