The sales are upon us once again and while many bargain hunters will be trying their luck, after my previous forays into the mad world of this season I will probably wait for the hustle and bustle to subside before venturing back into my safe space.

Indeed, while I was very content to queue for hours when I was younger, with age has come some level of wisdom and instead, I will content myself with describing the three kinds of people you will encounter during sale season (otherwise known as the principal reasons I no longer have the energy to do the sales properly).

The Alice in Wonderland shopper who just happened to fall into your rabbit hole: The minute sales start, every Thomasina, Dicktina and Harriette who get the memo but have never gone into your favourite shop once during the year will descend. This means that they will be confused about pricing, sizes and where the changing room is and just basically stand in your way gawking awkwardly while you try to recover a pair of winter boots that you could swear you saw when the sun was still melting tarmac outside.

Women during sales are like vampires smelling blood

Not only will these people stand around and act like flesh and blood obstacles, but they will inevitably and loudly proclaim how expensive everything is and remember the reason why they never darkened the doors of said establishment for the other 364 days. They will then go on The Salott and complain about sales being bad.

The eager beaver dreadful decision maker: They knew that sale season was coming up so they diligently held back and didn’t buy that black coat which they so desperately needed. Now the day of reckoning has finally arrived, they get to the shop and wait till the pearly doors are open, charge in and well, the coat is gone. To compensate for said loss, they wind up buying of-the-moment magenta trousers they will never wear and barely fit into, and a ruffled leopard dress that they will eventually pass onto a cousin or a friend.

They can’t really explain what drove them to buy these objects and in fact, if someone asks them about the shopping experience, they will fall into something of a trance usually associated with trauma victims and mutter something about sales and bargains over and over again. They will inevitably go online and buy that black coat they originally needed for twice the amount of the first coat they saw because well, they actually need it.

The sensible shopper: Having maybe been shopper one or two at one point or another, they manage to get to a place where they are able to enter sales and actually buy things which they need. If they are unable to find red shoes, they will not for example buy yellow ones just because they are down by five per cent. They do their research and do not give in to fads. Neither do they get into fights with other women because they have picked up the last pair of trousers in their size and then stalk them till it’s time for them to pay to see if they are actually going to go through with the purchase.

Always remember that women during sales are like vampires smelling blood: the minute they realise that you really want something they have, even if they’re not sure if they want it, they’ll buy it just so that you won’t be able to.

May the shopping gods smile down on you and the odds be ever in your favour.