“So that’s it. It’s decided then. We go to a hotel for Christmas.”

“I think so George. Less work for me, everything laid on.”

“So where do you suggest we go?”

“Well… I’ve been looking at this newspaper supplement, where it gives you stuff about Christmas in hotels. This sounds just the thing from the Splendido Palazz Hotel.”

“Go on.”

“Well look, here it offers a three night stay, Christmas Eve to Boxing night, full board with extras.”

“What extras?”

“Erm… says here: A glass of vintage champagne on arrival, plus festive parlour games on Christmas night. A gourmet Christmas dinner, cooked by our Lithuanian personality TV chef. And all for just €1,200 all in.”

“Bloody hell! Where is this hotel, Hawaii?”

“No, St Julian’s. You don’t fancy it?”

“Not at that price. It’s the most expensive game of charades I ever heard of.”

“Well then there’s this from the Grand Hotel Opulenta.”

“Go on.”

“Again three nights full board. Cocktail party on Christmas Eve. Then on Christmas night it says: Our executive chef Alfred will create for you a mouth-watering... ”

“Why do these bloody pedants always describe their food as mouth-watering? The last thing I want to do at Christmas dinner is slaver all over the table and the other guests.”

“A mouth-watering traditional, yet exotic Christmas dinner, comprising turkey… or leg of pork… or monkfish, with chipolata sausages, parsley and kipper stuffing, baked, boiled or chipped potatoes, ‘brassil’ sprouts, courgettes and all covered in a rich wine sauce. Followed by traditional, home-made by Marks and Spencer, Christmas pudding, or sherry trifle or cheese and biscuits, or mince pies with cream. Followed by ‘pettits’ fours, coffee and ‘lie-kyoors’. Choose from our expensive… sorry, extensive wine list for the perfect accompaniment to your meal… cost extra. Oh yes and… every guest also gets a luxury Christmas cracker, each one containing a novelty, a motto and a paper hat.”

“Well whoop di doo!”

On arrival everyone will get a free glass of cheapo local plonk and a key to the communal bathroom

“And there will be a visit from Santa Claus with a gift for every guest.”

“At the risk of sounding negative; that doesn’t exactly get my juices flowing.”

“No I thought you didn’t sound too enthusiastic.”

“Hmm and what will it cost me?”

“That one’s cheaper… it’s only €950 a head.”

“Is that the best of them?”

“Erm… yes. Then there’s some others that are cheaper.”

“Sounds more like it. For example?”

“Well there’s this one… ‘Come and spend three nights with us at the Spandex Hotel and Spa Resort.”

“Before you give me the breakdown of goodies, how much per head?”

“Very reasonable actually. It comes out as €300 per couple for a three-night stay.”

“That’s more like it, but what do you get for your 300?”

“I quote: On arrival everyone will get a free glass of cheapo local plonk and a key to the communal bathroom. The Christmas Eve meal will be served in the Gladiator Pizza Bar and each guest will get a choice of pizza between uno formaggio and Spandex special.”

“So what’s the Spandex special?”

“Erm… says here; it depends what got left on the supper plates from the night before.”

“Terrific. And that’s it I suppose for Christmas Eve?”

“Yes… except for this in bold letters.”

“What?”“Lights out at nine p.m sharp.”

“It sounds like a riot of fun. Any more?”

“Hotels?”

“Yes, the whole bit.”

“Erm… well there’s this one: ‘Come and spend a budget Christmas with us at the Hotel Collapso’.”

“Hmm, so what do you get?”

“On arrival a welcome glass of tap water will be served, followed by a Christmas Eve feast of ħobż biż-żejt and pastizzi… washed down with another refreshing glass of tap water. Sleeping accommodation comprises a warm blanket and a pillow. Space will be set aside on the floor of the underground car park for sleeping purposes. What do you think?”

Give the first one a ring and see if they’ll do us a discount if we give the ‘festive parlour games’ a miss.”