While many draft lists of what you should get her for Christmas, very few go the other way. However, being the not-so-little rebel that I am, I thought I’d share a few pearls of the wisdom I have accrued over the years about presents which really won’t hit the spot.

Socks – As inoffensive and innocuous as this entry may seem at first glance, do not be fooled: this gift is going to knock no one’s socks off (unless she’s 90 and your grandmother). This particular gift blunder happened to me one Christmas many moons ago, when a potential boyfriend proudly handed over a reindeer-covered bag. Were the socks patterned? Yes. Were they at least patterned to my taste? No. Did this man eventually become my boyfriend? Also, no. Of course, it wasn’t just the socks which were the deal breaker (not even I could be that woollen); however, they certainly didn’t help his cause.

There are 365 days in the year and you really thought this was the right one to get her a blender?

The perfume your ex-girlfriend used to wear – Now, before you start braying that no man would ever dare go down this route, I give you Exhibit A (three different stories recounted to me by three different women). Guys, really? The absolute cherry on the cake was when one lowdown lothario told his lady love that all he wanted for Christmas was for her to be his ex (hence the choice of gift). Suffice to say, he was single by New Year’s Eve and my friend was taking shots of a man in the ugliest jumper in the history of mankind (in her defence, she was very upset about the eau de parfum pervert). Happily, both are now married. To other people.

Any household appliance – Ah, yes, this old roasted chestnut. I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that you don’t have a death wish, nor do you want to visit Mater Dei for Christmas. There are 365 days in the year and you really thought this was the right one to get her a blender? Oh and while we are at it, the kitchen is not her territory; it’s yours too. In case you haven’t noticed, you all eat there and men are capable of cooking and doing the dishes. Unless the woman in your life has expressly begged and pleaded for a new toaster, please refrain from giving her anything utilitarian which will have to eventually be bought anyway.

If all the above has confused you and you were going to be buying either one or all three of the offending aforementioned items, please read next week’s article for things that she might actually like.

Who knows? You might even not end up singing Wham’s Last Christmas alone at a karaoke bar in Buġibba.