We’ve all heard that our troubled national carrier, Air Malta, will have to downsize in order to survive. But what we have not been told is just how drastic these shrinking measures will have to be. Nobody knows (except Sylvanus) precisely what these constraints will entail; well, here today I shall reveal all:
We have already been informed that due to financial shortcomings the fleet of aircraft will have to shrink. But I was personally staggered to see just how much it would have to contract.
Apparently the entire fleet of aircraft currently wearing the livery of AM will be flogged off and replaced with… wait for it… just two, yes two 12-seater ex-troop carriers. Only, when they acted as troop carriers they did so bereft of passenger seating – and were thus capable of carrying up to 70 airborne service personnel. So putting in a dozen metal chairs, welded to the aircraft floor for safety reasons, would reduce their passenger carrying capacity to just 12!
And don’t think you can nip off to the WC when you feel the need on these new shrunk aircraft, ’cos there aren’t any bogs on these babies. You’ll just have to go before you fly, or hold it till you arrive at your destination… or bring along an empty bottle.
But there will still be first and cattle class seating. The front row of chairs will be known as first class. There won’t be free champagne or indeed any free perks, but you will be close enough to the pilot to have a conversation with him… if he happens to be in the mood to chat.
When the flight reaches the outskirts of London, passengers will be given a choice of how they disembark
The above economies don’t even scratch the surface of the new restrictions. You see, landing at most world airports is an expensive business – and these new small aircraft will, in order to fly to… say London, have to put down twice along the way to refuel. This will have to be done at defunct airstrips in northern Italy and France – and will be paid for by the passengers on board the flight. The pilot will telephone ahead to a fuel supplier in Turin and Paris and get them to bring a tanker-full of aviation fuel out to the plane; then have a whip-round among the punters in order to pay for each delivery.
When the flight reaches the outskirts of London, passengers will be given a choice of how they disembark. For the old and infirm, they will be put off at yet another disused airstrip somewhere in the home counties. For the fit passengers on board, they will each be issued with a parachute and instructed precisely when to jump out. Oh, by the way, each parachute is returnable.
And don’t think anyone is going to get anything akin to stewardess service on board; the crew of each aircraft will comprise just one person – the pilot. Gone will be any trace of the nasty bread roll and bottle of water (thank goodness, says I); if you need sustenance on the flight… bring sandwiches and juice from home.
And don’t imagine you are going to get any better service from the ground crew, ’cos there won’t be one. The Air Malta headquarters will have shrunk from their one-time palatial offices at Gudja to a small rented room in a portakabin on a piece of waste ground in a back street in Fgura.
Naturally all the computers will have been sold off, but there will be a telephone… just one; oh, and an answering machine. This is so that potential passengers will be able to book flights in advance or to lodge enquiries and complaints. These will be dealt with by the ground staff… who will be the two pilots already mentioned, whenever they return to base.
Not a very enticing future for our most visible flagship, I’ll agree. And I never thought I would say this but… if the above is indeed a vision of the future for Air Malta, it will make flying Ryanair seem almost luxurious by comparison.