“Good morning housewives, yes it’s me – the one and only John Blundy morning show, here on your favourite Switch FM 197.3 (Play jingle: Come on switch with me, on 197.3) And you all know my motto, don’t you… Yes that’s right: If at first you don’t succeed… change sides.
Now you’ve probably all heard by now that yours truly, while not only being the most popular person around Switch FM, is also now the most powerful. But does that mean that I’m now also a mean son of a bitch?
Yes of course it does. But only if you step out of line and give me a hard time. Believe me… friends, if you behave yourselves, you’ll find I’m still that sweet, cuddly John Blundy, the one you know, love and tune in to every weekday morning.
So let’s go to the phones: and first up this morning it’s…
“Hallo!”
“Oh hallo, that’s Gracie from Żurrieq, right?
(Long pause… six seconds of dead air, before…)
“Ehe.”
“And what are you up to this morning Gracie?”
“Eh?”
“What are you doing this morning, home there in Żurrieq?”
“Ħuq! Sweep a bit… wash it de clodes ey.”
“Wonderful. I think it’s nothing short of fantastic that, despite my newly-acquired elevated position, you still feel you can talk to me… like you always did. Don’t forget, Gracie from Żurrieq and all my other fans that looked up to me: you know you can still look up to me… it’s just that now you have to look up a bit further. Not that my recent lofty appointment puts me very much higher up the food chain than you ordinary mortals, just a little bit higher.
You know you can still look up to me… it’s just that now you have to look up a bit further
“And here’s the late great Carol Carpenter with one of the Carpenters’ many hits – and one that seems so appropriate to my relationship with all my loyal fans: The Carpenters and… Close to You.
(Play disc and signal for minion to enter studio to perform mini neck massage… then, as record comes to its close, expel minion with curse and fly-kick.)
“We’re back with you once again – and this time who have we got on the line?”
“Ullo.”
“Who is that?”
“Jienhu Silvio.”
“Not Silvio Scerri?
“U le, Silvio Buttigieg Desira.”
“Phew! Thank God for that! And what’s happening in your world today Silvio?
“Well – I…”
“And I want you to chat away to me just like you used to… before I was appointed to my current lofty position. I assure you Salvu –
“Silvio.”
“Correct. I assure you… I am still the humble, approachable and oh-so-down-with-the-kids guy I always was and always will be. So tell me, what can I do for you today?
“Ħuq! Fuq the competixin, ey.”
“Ah yes, mustn’t forget the competition. So Sandro –
“Silvio.”
“So Silvio, to win a pizza for two at Pizza Stop, San Ġwann… open Mondays to Sundays for breakfast, lunch and dinner… reasonable prices, guaranteed quality… To win this oh so desirable prize, tell me: what is… Einstein’s theory of relativity. In your own time, for that wonderful prize… oh Spiro –” “Silvio.”
“I’m going to have to hurry you – (Sound of gong) Sorry my friend, we’re out of time. Never mind, it was a priceless experience talking to me… and something I’m sure you’ll tell your grandchildren about. That was er… Serpico on the line.
“Hey I really don’t know how much longer I can debase myself by hosting a tin pot radio programme. Oh, did I mention – I am the newly-appointed head of everything vital here at National Broadcasting Corporation. So… if you plan on visiting me in my executive office on high… please do. Oh, but don’t pleeease feel that after I shout ‘Come’ and you enter my presence… please don’t feel you have to enter on your knees and shuffle thus up to my desk. No need, just walk in normally, as soon as I give the command, time to drop to your knees when you reach my desk.
“Oh did I mention that I am – as well as being your most loved radio and TV personality – lord of all I survey here, both at Switch FM and, more importantly at the National Broadcasting Corporation.
“God but I’m good… no, brilliant!”