Inaugural meeting of the Government Committee charged with Expanding Malta’s Inevitable Urban Expansion Upwards.

Present: Chairperson Ms Mary-Rose De Bruyn Falzon; secretary Ms Sharon Vella Snort; members Mr Alfred Ponteveccio RDC (Random Development Consortium), Perit John Trevisan Spiteri of Reach for the Stars Architects, Dr Eugene Stallone (legal advisor to Cowboy Builders Inc), Fr Ignacious Pulliccino Said (Token priest).

Apologies for absence: Perit Walter Fink Grech (Too busy designing the latest dodgy skyscraper), Ing. Fred Scalpello (Too busy building the latest dodgy skyscraper).

The chairperson welcomed the members of the committee to the inaugural meeting and explained their brief. This was to turn Malta and Gozo into high-rise paradises – and the sooner the better.

She stated – to a rising crescendo of inspirational music emanating from a ghetto-blaster nearby – that she – and the rest of the committee – would not rest until they had managed to turn Malta and Gozo into an accurate facsimile of Hong Kong (without the threat of a Chinese invasion) and Dubai. Indeed, it was her – and the committee’s long-term goal – to turn Malta into Dubai in the Mediterranean. (This was greeted by the rest of the committee with cries of “Hear, hear” and “Too bloody right”).

She added that although Dubai currently boasted the tallest building in the world, she would be working diligently, day and night, in order to enable Malta to usurp that title, by building an even taller stratosphere-scraper.

At this point, the rest of the committee members present broke into spontaneous applause. There were even some shouts of “Bravo”, and the odd tear of joy was shed.

After thanking madame chairperson for her perspicacious opening address, Mr Alfred Ponteveccio wiped those same tears of joy and gratitude from his eyes and stated that since Malta is but a pimple on the surface of the southern Mediterranean, the necessity to build up was paramount. Indeed, since permission had been given by the Planning Authority to construct a number of high-rise buildings locally, he had been extremely busy lobbying the members of the PA board in order to ensure that all of his proposed upwardly mobile constructions would go ahead as planned.

It was her long-term goal to turn Malta into Dubai in the Mediterranean

Madam chairperson stated that although the committee was unanimous in its desire to see our islands go up, there were still a vocal minority of dissenters with the opposite view. She opined: “We, the committee, have to come up with a foolproof strategy to counter these extremists and their outmoded and positively dangerous (to developers) rhetoric.”

Several suggestions were offered, including burying the lot of them in the foundations of the next high-rise construction; packing them all into an unseaworthy dinghy and sending them over to Libya; or using them as decoys during the spring hunting season.

Developer Mr Alfred Ponteveccio commenting on the concern expressed in some quarters about the amount of waste generated by extremely tall buildings, stated that as far as he was concerned, if people in neighbouring buildings were bothered about raw sewerage pouring directly into shoreline waters, they should merely choose to swim further from the shore… say about five nautical miles offshore, at which distance any faecal contamination of the sea should be minimal.

Playing devil’s advocate, Fr Pulliccino Said felt he had to address one concern that had been outlined to him, being the fact that in very tall buildings there would be a shortage of oxygen in the upper floors. How would this be counteracted?

Perit Trevisan Spiteri replied that this would not be a problem, since anyone purchasing an apartment or condo in these upper floors would be supplied with oxygen equipment and advised on how to use it.

Rounding off this inaugural meeting the chairperson stated: “Obviously high-rise buildings were the future for the Maltese islands and any perceived negativity should be squashed forthwith. She added that the Maltese were becoming used to living in modern ghettoes, the residential units out at Sliema Point were a good example of this. Which meant that in order for our islands to progress we should be looking to replicate these buildings… but with another 40 storeys built on top.