“What sort of a season did you have?”

“Insomma.”

“Good? Bad? Indifferent?”

“Yes… all three actually. And you?”

“More of the last two. No, the restaurant business isn’t what it was.”

“You’re telling me. I had to lay off three waitresses in August… in August!”

“Tell me about it… I had to get rid of three sous chefs and an assistant fryer at the same time.”

“I blame the punters.”

“Idiots, they come to my place; they don’t know what they want to eat. You suggest something on the menu, they go: ‘Mmm, I don’t know if I fancy that.’ Or: ‘Does it come with chips?’”

“So true. This season I thought I’d mix up the menu a bit. You know, cater for a more sophisticated palate. Offer something different.”

“Like what?”

“Well… as you are aware I run a quality – ”

“Quality?”

“A quality eaterie with a varied menu, for all tastes.”

“Go on.”

“This past season I decided to, you know… splash out a bit. As you are aware my staple dish is burger… with fries. I decided to add to the menu… burger with fries… and, wait for it… baked beans.”

“That was a bit radical.”

“I know but… I didn’t stop there.”

“No?”

I’ve added another horse dish to my menu… horsemeat pieces… or nag nuggets

“No, I also decided to tweak the burger a bit.”

“What do you mean?”

“I got my head chef to insert a slice of processed cheddar cheese between the meat and the bun and called it a… wait for it… cheese burger.”

“And did it sell?”

“Like hot cheese cakes! Then I got my chef to knock up a sauce from curry powder – and I told him to smear some of it on top of a burger… and we sold that one called – guess what?”

“Er, a curry burger?”

“Original eh?”

“Erm. I also did a bit of tinkering with my menu. After all, my customers are developing more cultured tastes these days.”

“So what did you do?”

“Well… you remember all that fuss that was made, just because a few punters found horsemeat in their nominally beef burgers.”

“Course I remember, I’m still in court with some of them.”

“Which is why I decided to grab the metaphoric bull by the horns and advertise one of the dishes on my menu as containing genuine 100 per cent horsemeat… the bronco burger.”

“And you’re still in business?”

“Very much so. It proved a huge, great, stonking hit. So much so I’ve added another horse dish to my menu… horsemeat pieces… or nag nuggets.”

“Well good for you, but you know most of my customers don’t realise good food when they see it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Last season I decided to give – yes give every punter a bowl of free… well, just another €10 on the bill… salad. Beautiful stuff; fresh lettuce, tomato and green pepper… and lettuce, tomato and green pepper. Nobody touched it… well, very few – I started the scheme on the Monday and a few punters picked at it, but by Friday… not one! Not a single one.”

“The same bowl of salad?”

“Of course, what do you want me to do… throw it away?”

“Er… maybe that’s why nobody touched it.”

“Naar, the business is going to the dogs. Talking of which, I see a new Chinese restaurant, The Spiced Pooch, has opened just down the road from you.”

“Huh! Don’t I know it. I tried to… you know… object and get the application thrown out. But apparently the Chinese woman who runs it used to be some sort of high-up in the Maltese consulate in Shanghai.”

“So no chance.”

“Not a prayer. It seems there’s just no demand these days for good, well-cooked Maltese food. I’m fearing the death of our native-born stalwart… the burger.”

“I hope not, it’s my staple dish.”

“No, I’m fed up, and if things don’t improve I’m going to take matters into my own hands and do something desperate.”

“Like what?”

“Like… moving my kiosk right out of Marsalforn and taking it across Gozo to Xlendi.”

“Well good luck with that, I’m about to move mine in the opposite direction.”

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