• You know, ever since I began writing this blog to the greater glory of Malta’s number one human being, Jo-zeff Muscat, I have been inundated with positive comments. So today I’d like to share a few with you:

This from a certain KMB from Upper Żabbar: “Prosit Backbencher, for me you have managed to encapsulate the whole being that is Chuw-seff – Il-Prim: His cheeky in-yer-face-grin, his sleight of hand… that always ‘wrong-feets’ the other lot, his subtle sidelining of anyone who may cause him embarrassment.”

Then this eulogy from a Mr John ‘Blundy’ of Guardamangia: “I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.”

And finally from a Mr Donald J Trump of New York: “Who the (expletive deleted) is Joseph Muscat?”

• As Jo-zeff, our charismatic and loveable leader, goes from triumph to conquest, we sit here in the centre of the Mediterranean… indeed, the centre of the universe, and give thanks unto him.

Except for a tiny minority who choose to call themselves the Opposition – and whom I treat with the utter contempt they deserve. Especially after that piece in their Sunday rag that attempted – and failed – to make fun of my relationship with my beloved fiancée, known as Doris from the fish gutting plant, but known to me as my princess in oilskins.

This eulogy from a Mr John ‘Blundy’ of Guardamangia: ‘I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you’

Know ye this Oppo journos: Sticks and stones may break my bones… but names will never hurt Doris, she’s too well padded.

• Here I have to express a guarded thanks to Jo-zeff’s erratic and shifty predecessor for getting this next particular ball rolling. Yes, despite running the country into the ground for nearly a quarter of a century, the other lot did come up with one or two decent wheezes.

For example, the dodge of packing off to Brussels anyone in his party – e.g. Johnnie Dalli – who (a): might cause trouble, or (b): represent dead wood in the Cabinet.

• I fear dear little Leo will fall conveniently into the latter category, and his imminent departure for capital Europe was eagerly anticipated. The fact that a few Euro MPs (wanting to make a moot and futile point about Panamagate) plus the dregs of the Opposition MEPs voted against the poor little guy, would seem, at a glance, to have scuppered Jo-zeff’s plans.

But wait… our c & l capo is far more resourceful than that. He appealed to a higher body, the Council of Ministairs… or something. Our leader has much more sway there as Leo’s nomination was accepted last week. So to hell with you MEPs, you’ll have to get out of bed a lot earlier to outsmart our own, our very own, home-grown world statesman… Jo-zeff.

And talking of Jo-zeff as a prominent world statesman, did you see how close he managed to shuffle to Angela Merkel and the French guy, for the photo call after the Bratislava meeting a few weeks ago. So Jo-zeff is not just a brilliant politician, he is resourceful as well. Prosit Ġuż, prosit.

• My father – (May Jo-zeff forgive him) – was the only member of my immediate family who did not switch their vote to us in the last election – and who, stupidly, to this day, persists in trying to belittle every major triumph of our government.

Just last week he sneered to me: “That Konrad wossisname is undoubtedly the most embarrassingly incompetent and crooked minister ever to hold office in Malta’s government.” Not so, Daddy… is your memory so short that you are forgetting the antics of a certain Austin, who held office in the last administration? Now that man made incompetence into an art form. I think Kon has some way to go yet.

• And finally, this month, Doris, from the fish gutting plant in Marsaxlokk, and I have named the day. We are to be joined together in holy wedlock on the first Saturday in July 2017. I chose that day because – so far – Jo-zeff doesn’t have any alternative commitments. I couldn’t get married in his absence, it just wouldn’t seem right.

Comments:

Red Ned writes: To whom should we apply in order to get Chuwseff made  saint.

Backbencher replies: We’d have to apply to a higher authority. I’d suggest lobbying the UK’s House of Lords.