By the time you read this I expect the fact that some bright sparks have decided to put on a musical based on the life of our erstwhile capo Dom Mintoff will be old news.

Nonetheless it got me thinking. I mean, a musical? These are normally jolly knees-up affairs, dazzling costumes and sets, cheery numbers to sing along to. The life and times of Mintoff D was hardly a laugh a minute.

I initially thought: maybe they mean a lament or a dirge, but no… it read: “Il-Perit will be a musical based on the life of the ex-PM”. It’s really hard to visualise; a bit like making a panto out of a Dostoyevsky novel, or a sitcom out of week on death-row.

I mean there’s plenty of material to draw upon. There’s the sudden expulsion of the Blue Sisters, for a start. Just imagine a big production number… with high-kicking nuns being booted out of Malta at the dead of night, to a hot rocking beat. Well, if Rogers and Hammerstein could get away with cool sisters in The Sound of Music, the composer and lyricist of the Mintoff show might choose to go down the same road.

Other opportunities for big set-piece numbers could well include the famous doctors’ strike, which saw many of our best physicians depart… never to return. I can visualise a vigorous chorus number set at the closed gates of St Luke’s Hospital, with a group of stethoscope-twirling medics belting out a catchy refrain.

Similarly, the infamous teachers’ strike should also have its very own scene, with striking school masters and mistresses executing a nifty little tap number, while manning the picket lines.

I can visualise a vigorous chorus number set at the closed gates of St Luke’s Hospital

Some might argue that the Mintoff years already have their own hagiographic musical in the much-maligned Ġensna. However, any independent-minded person – and even some historical Labour families (which may possibly even include my own) were either embarrassed or appalled (sometimes both) at what actually turned out to be an ineptly written, abysmally performed attempt to rewrite some of Malta’s fairly recent history.

And before you ask, yes I did see it, I’m ashamed to say. Somebody gave me a complementary ticket. And after an overlong, tedious and incredibly amateurish ‘show’, my one abiding memory was of a gentleman sitting two rows in front of me at the Med Con Centre, leaping to his feet at the curtain call, applauding wildly and exhorting all around him to do the same. I believe he was an MP for the governing party (surprise, surprise).

A few timid souls actually did join in the one-man standing ovation, albeit with less enthusiasm than a turkey in December; meanwhile I sat quietly on my hands. The MCC burnt down shortly after.

Another seminal period in the Mintoff years that absolutely must find its way into Il-Perit is the banning of the import of various foreign products in favour of home-produced substitutes. Who could ever forget Deserta chocolate bars… designed, I’m sure, to put one off eating that confectionary for life.

Then there was home-made Mentadent toothpaste, which a friend aptly described as akin to cleaning your teeth with bird droppings. I’m not sure how that would feature in the show: maybe a chorus of kids could eulogise missing Colgate or something.

One scene that might be tricky to represent on stage would be the torching of The Times building; but maybe with some clever lighting and a lot of stage smoke they could make some sort of a fist of it.

So who will they get to actually be in the musical… and who to direct it? For the latter, I expect the party to chuck money at it, rather as they did for this year’s Eurovision song contest. So expect a big Broadway or West End name to be engaged to direct; maybe Hal Prince is at a loose end?

But who will they cast in the title role? They’ll need someone who’s not too tall and who can belt out a number; maybe John Bundy could get leave from PBS to star.

I’m really looking forward to this one… as long as it’s not Ġensna mark two.

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