Not a lot of people know this, but I am one who does. The recruitment of Malta’s denizens of law and order is both a highly responsible and extremely covert business.

Just recently a contact of mine made available to me – and to me alone – a raft of confidential papers that included hard copy records of interviews for positions in our esteemed local constabulary.

This in the wake of a recent high-profile case of an officer who was welcomed back into the farce… sorry – force, after having left it some years earlier.

Seeing a photograph of this gentleman’s somewhat corpulent figure, a close relative of mine was forced to remark: “If I ever do perpetrate a smash-and-grab robbery, I just hope this is the guy who chases after me. Interesting stuff. And so is this:

Regrettably, candidate Woolmer Mangion speaks with a strong Qormi accent overlaid with a pronounced and unfortunate lisp

“Interviewee No. 233: James Woolmer Mangion. Sex: Male. Age: 18. Fitness assessment: A1, weight: 71 kilos of solid muscle. Height 1 metre 85cms. Education standard: GCSE. Politics: Unknown. (But he is rumoured to have once owned a pencil sharpener in the shape of Simon Busuttil.)

On the face of it, candidate Woolmer Mangion is the perfect recruit. Fit, healthy, intelligent… or intelligent enough, and very, very keen.

He did extremely well in all physical tests and scored high marks in all the written papers. All in all a perfect copper in waiting.

Regrettably, candidate Woolmer Mangion speaks with a strong Qormi accent overlaid with a pronounced and unfortunate lisp. Sending a lisping PC out on the beat in the Maltese islands is a recipe for ridicule and repercussions.

Verdict: Rejected on the grounds of faulty diction.

■ Interviewee No. 276: Emmanuel Conti Firmani. Sex: Male. Age: 20. Fitness assessment: A1. Height 1.89 metres. Education standard: GCSE. Politics: Unknown (But he was wearing a blue tie.)

Again, ostensibly the perfect recruit. A fine physical specimen and extremely keen and bright.

Verdict: Sadly candidate Conti Firmani’s application had to be rejected, since his height would have made him stand out in a crowd – and thus lessen his chances of being able to intervene in instances of felonies being committed by people in that same crowd.

■ Interviewee No. 347: David Salmonello-Brincat. Sex: Male. Age: 20. Fitness assessment: A1. Height: 1.8 metres. Education standard: Adequate. Politics: Unknown. (But his aunt lives on the same street in Swieqi as Mario De Marco’s former piano teacher.)

In all ways an excellent candidate. Fit, keen and with relatives who have, in the past, served with distinction in the force. (Albeit during the time of Borg Olivier.)

Verdict: Sadly, yet again, Mr Salmonello Brincat’s application had to be rejected out of hand. An inability to spell the word ‘eschew’ correctly rules him out of contention on intellectual grounds.

■ Interviewee No. 545: Leli Borg Bormla. Sex: All male. Age 57. Fitness assessment: A1 (If you ignore his beer gut, angina, flat feet, asthma, Type 2 diabetes, emphysema, myopia, selective deafness, mild cirrhosis of the liver and temper tantrums). Height: 1.47 metres. Education standard: Yes. Politics: (An avowed and loyal member of PL for 37 years. He also keeps a photo of Il-Perit in his wallet, has a giant-size tattoo of It-torca tal lejber emanating from one of his orifices, and he knows all the words to “Ma tagħmlu xejn.” In addition he has been photographed standing prominently at the front of every rally addressed by Chuwseff since 2012, clad from head to toe in bright scarlet. He also has form, since he was a member of the force until 1994, when he resigned before he could be kicked out on the grounds of extreme sloth.)

Verdict: Welcomed back into the fold with open arms and a suggestion that he be immediately promoted to the rank of superintendent forthwith and given a desk job. I mean… the poor guy can’t possibly plod the beat with his feet.

M’lud I rest my case.

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