Speaking as a proud member of that breed, I say: it’s about time the general public learned to love and nurture us wardens, instead of reviling and complaining about us. After all, we are performing a vital public service, namely stewing the swine that transgress and don’t give us the respect and importance we feel we deserve.

As, or so I’m told, the most efficient warden in Gozo, I am constantly being sworn at and vilified by people, most of whom I have just booked. You have no idea how insulting these people can be.

I have been called: “That short-arsed little b****** with the Hitler moustache.” “That power-drunk little twat.” “That opportunistic little weasel with the ever-ready book of citations.” “That self-important evil little runt.”

Well, I totally reject those sentiments; I am not little! When I pull myself up to my maximum height I am five feet, four inches tall… and that’s taller than my father and also taller than his father. I regard myself as of average height… so there! And anyway, when I sit astride my moped in my helmet, I look six feet tall or more… I think.

And, let me say straight away, I love my work. Nothing gives me more pleasure than to start the day with a full book of citations – and to end that same day with that book completely empty.

But I am not some power-crazy denizen of law and order, I am just doing my job – and – if I may say so, doing it extremely well.

Just accept the citation, pay up and shut up. You know it makes sense

Look, if you park somewhere in Victoria where you shouldn’t, or park in a legitimate parking slot but leave one wheel on or over the white line… I’ll do you, and nothing and nobody will save your neck.

I don’t care who you are or who you know… (unless, of course, you’re a minister or MP from the ruling party… or a high-ranking police officer… or a well-connected party worker) I’ll book you… especially if I discover you come from over the water in Malta. So stop complaining and start conforming.

And please… can we have a little less self-interest here? For goodness sake! Consider somebody else for a change. Think of me, for example.

If I don’t record the same or more citations every day my boss gives me hell… and she’s a very aggressive woman and big with it. And it is hard work and very stressful, believe me, ensuring that my booking count remains as high or higher than that of the previous day.

So a little compassion please, I also have a wife and kiddies at home who rely on me to bring home enough money to allow us to have a decent standard of living. So next time I give you a ticket and slag off you and your driving or parking skills, just think how happy my boss will be. Just accept the citation, pay up and shut up. You know it makes sense.

This article also gives me the opportunity to scotch another slanderous myth that is often spread around by those who don’t know the facts. No, I do not hide behind parked cars or hedges – and then jump out and book motorists in a sneaky underhand manner.

If I do happen to be in the two positions described, it’s for a very good reason… either because I am sheltering from the sweltering sun, or because I have stopped for a ‘comfort’ stop… if you get my meaning.

So next time I jump out from behind some structure and book you for speeding, or for having a vehicle with a Malta-registered number plate… (which is almost as bad as speeding), remember what I’ve just said and accept it like a man… or woman.

And finally, we… and in particular I… am often on the end of abusive or threatening behaviour. Well let me say here and now; you had all better calm down and take your medicine… citation… graciously.

Don’t even think of trying to intimidate or bully me. You would be wasting your time; I am, at all times, armed with a fully functional pepper spray… and let me tell you, when called upon… I am not afraid to use it. Be warned.