Leanne Bugeja was 13 years old when her mother shot herself. She was the only witness, and in a flash, her whole life turned upside down… Until a family friend stepped in to pick up the pieces and be the mother figure she had lost. Helen Raine looks into the utter disorientation and loneliness that can come to define a bereaved daughter and how the right replacement can stem the loss and create stability.

Leanne Bugeja was 13 years old when her mother killed herself. Her parents had been having problems for years, with her mother feeling trapped in an unhappy marriage.

“It happened a week before my 14th birthday, after she had swallowed a few pills the night before due to an argument she had had with my father. She woke up the next morning still under the effects of the pills and shot herself. Unfortunately, I had woken up a couple of minutes before she pulled the trigger and saw it all happen… I was the only witness,” Leanne says.

It’s hard to imagine the full extent of the trauma she suffered. Leanne says: “Suddenly, the most important person in my life was taken away from me. Literally from one second to the next, my whole life turned upside down.”

Leanne Bugeja experiencing motherhood.Leanne Bugeja experiencing motherhood.

Defining moment

That sense of utter disorientation, loss and loneliness can come to define a bereaved daughter, no matter how it happens. Novelist Anna Quindlen perhaps puts it best, writing in the Chicago Tribune: “For a long time it was all you needed to know about me, a kind of vest pocket description of my emotional complex. ‘Meet you in the lobby in 10 minutes – I have long brown hair, am on the short side, have on a red coat, and my mother died when I was 19.”

Author Hope Edelmann, also a bereaved daughter, clipped that column out of the Tribune and carried it with her for years. She says: “Losing my mother wasn’t just a fact about me. It was the core of my identity, my very state of being.” Those feelings led her to write her book Motherless Daughters.

The cataclysmic upheaval that Leanne, Quindlen and Edelmann describe is made worse by the fact that people don’t know how to talk about the lost mothers; they become silent on the subject, as if the daughter might have forgotten.

A mother’s death can equate to the abrupt end of childhood

Edelmann says this is "a denial that originates from the place in our psyches where ‘mother’ represents comfort and security… and where the mother-child bond is so primal that we equate its severing with a child’s emotional demise.

"Because everyone carries into adulthood the child’s fear of being left lost and alone, the motherless child thus symbolises a darker, less fortunate self," she adds.

A mother’s death can equate to the abrupt end of childhood as children like Leanne learn that “dependent relationships can be impermanent, security ephemeral, and family capable of being redefined”. Edelmann says that, as a consequence, “the motherless daughter develops an adult insight while she is still a child, with only juvenile resources to cope”.

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Fairy godmother

Into that swirling mass of emotions stepped Tanya Borg Cardona, Leanne’s godmother and her mother’s best friend. Out of the dozens of people who initially offered help, Tanya was one of only a handful who actually followed through. Gradually, Leanne began spending so much time with her that she ended up moving in with Tanya, her former partner David Newman and her son Nicky.

Things were very difficult with her father at that time. Leanne says: “I blamed the whole tragedy on him, which meant I didn’t want to be in the same house as him… As he had never been around to raise us, he had no idea where to start from and suddenly found himself trying to be daddy and mummy at the same time.”

Leanne goes on: “That is when the bitterness started and things got more complicated.”

But she adds: “I felt so at home and stable surrounded by Tanya, David and Nicky. At the time, nothing would have convinced me to return back to my family home”. Leannne says that this was “partly because of the memories of my mother’s suicide, but also due to the fact that once she was gone, that home didn’t feel like a happy place anymore…  I knew where I wanted to be and nobody was going to stop me, even if it meant [my father] disowning me”.

Happy [second] family: David, Leanne, Nicky and Tanya.Happy [second] family: David, Leanne, Nicky and Tanya.

Mother as mirror

Tanya and her happy family offered a refuge. “I knew that if I left, my life would spiral out of control,” Leanne says.

Edelman says this is a common occurrence. “Without a mother figure to guide her, a daughter has to piece together a female self-image on her own. While most girls separate from their mothers during their teen years to create an individual identity and then later try to return as autonomous adults, the motherless daughter moves forward alone.”

Tanya offered Leanne a way out of this trap, a chance to react to the image of womanhood that Tanya projected in order to define who Leanne herself was.

Edelmann talks about the emotional dance that daughters and mothers perform in adolescence, as the daughter detaches and begins to spend more time with peers, or a romantic partner, but returns to her mother in times of stress.

It’s a messy period for the maternal relationship – young girls often view their mums with a mix of positive

and negative emotions, and research suggests that up to 75 per cent of daughters report unfavourable and unflattering views of their mother. They may say negative things about them and the relationship can be full of strife, but it’s a normal part of teenage development.

When a mother dies in the middle of that dance, however, Edelmann says, “what would have been a temporary break with a hope of later reconciliation, becomes an irrevocable separation”.

Tanya gave Leanne a second chance at those interactions. “At times, I did struggle with the rules and expectations they set and often rebelled as any teenager would,” Leanne says. “Of course, there were many times when I felt anger and resentment… and if I’m honest, I still do sometimes. It depends on the situation. I have characteristics that would be negatively labelled as ‘a Bugeja trait’… and in those moments, I do feel angry and resentful; after all, in essence, I am still the same person I was born as and I do also have my own beliefs and ideas, which might not always sit well [with Tanya] sometimes.”

Children who lose a parent need two conditions to thrive; a stable… caregiver to meet their emotional and physical needs, and an open and honest communication about the death and its impact on the family

But they came through the storms. “Deep down, I always felt that they brought out the best in me and really showed me that with determination and discipline I could achieve anything. They gave me structure and stability and always made sure I didn’t feel any less important than their own son. At the time, Nicky [who has since passed away] was suffering from leukaemia and they all had a lot on their plates. But they still gave me huge amounts of love and attention just as if I had always been there,” Leanne says.

And David plays granddad… showing “they have stuck around and still play a big part” in Leanne’s adult life.And David plays granddad… showing “they have stuck around and still play a big part” in Leanne’s adult life.

According to Edelmann: “Children who lose a parent need two conditions to thrive; a stable… caregiver to meet their emotional and physical needs, and an open and honest communication about the death and its impact on the family”.

Leanne says: “I don’t know where I would be today if Tanya hadn’t been there to fulfil those needs that, truthfully, every child deserves.”

Different perspectives

It’s only as an adult that Leanne has truly been able to appreciate what a monumental thing Tanya did for her.

“I realise just how big of a commitment it was for them to allow me into their lives, with all the issues and baggage I carried,” she says.

“The support has continued throughout my life, and 22 years on, they still play the roles of mother and father to me. We have our differences and quite a few disagreements… I suppose we are like any other mother and daughter and have the same kind of problems… But at the end of the day, I will always be grateful for the positive impact they have had on my life.”

Becoming a parent and partner herself has also given her a different perspective. “I’m now a mother of a four-year-old boy and understand the daily challenges of being a parent. Also being in a relationship for 14 years has shown me that there is no such thing as a perfect marriage – there is a lot of hard work involved and it can only survive if both put in equal amounts of effort.”

In Helping Children Cope with the Death of a Parent, author Paddy Greenwell quotes a daughter as saying: “I don’t think a day passes that I do not feel the utter loss and loneliness from my mother’s suicide… it haunts me. They say time is a great healer, but it never erases the depth of loss and longing for her presence.”

The story appeared in last weekend's edition of Pink.The story appeared in last weekend's edition of Pink.

Leanne has tried to turn that into a positive. “Nowadays, I try to appreciate everything I have – I know that anything and anyone in my life can be taken away in an instant, so I try to make the best of everything I’m faced with,” she says. “Tanya, David and Nicky showed me the dynamics of a happy family. They brought stability and structure into my life, combined with 22 years of great memories and life lessons. Tanya and David never lose their joy and determination… no matter what life throws at them – that is something I try and live by every day.”

Leanne says she would be prepared to do the same if the situation arose. “I would most definitely do the same for another child, even though I know how challenging and emotionally draining it can be. Seeing them grow into happy and confident adults is the best reward.”

Her relationship with Tanya continues to be pivotal in her life. “They are family to me. Our relationship is like any other family’s – with the usual ups and downs. I have been living in Switzerland for over 10 years and am not very good at keeping in touch on a regular basis, but whenever I’m in need of support, or a good telling off, I usually turn to Tanya, or David. They are always there to listen and point me in the right direction.

“I wouldn’t change anything about my journey so far. It has made me who I am today.”

 

 

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