“So nurse, what exactly are the next patient’s symptoms?”

“Well professor, she is complaining of severe pains in her left knee.”

“Hmm, OK, you’d better ask her to come in.”

“Would you come this way Mrs er… Apap Delia, please.”

“Good morning doctor.”

“Hmm. Give me your symptoms please.”

“Ooh! I’ve got this terrible pain here in my knee. My doctor told me to come here, so I must speak with the professor.”

“Nurse, will you tell this… person to remove her shoe and stocking please?”

“Certainly professor, Mrs thing, will you… ”

“Yes alright, I heard.”

(She exposes her left knee for examination)

“Hmm.”

“What is it professor… tell me, is it serious?”

“Nurse, you can tell her to put her shoe, etcetera, back on, if you will.”

“Yes of course professor. Mrs um… you can…”

“I’m doing it nurse, I’m doing it…. Well, is he going to tell me if I’m going to have to have an operation?”

“Professor, is she going to… ”

I’ll be glad when they find some more specialists and consultants. All this doubling up is doing my head in

“Very probably, yes, tell her. But… we have a long waiting list for this sort of thing. Tell her if she wants it done this year, she’ll have to go privately.”

“The professor says…”

“Yes alright, I got the message. Tell him I’ll think about it, good morning.”

(She leaves)

“Any more patients, nurse?”

“That was the last one.”

“Good, I can get back to my clinic and make some real money. I’ll be glad when they find some more specialists and consultants. All this doubling up is doing my head in. Already this week I’ve seen orthopaedic patients, ENT patients, dementia patients, but not a single one pertaining to my own particular speciality.”

“Which is?”

“I’m a dentist… don’t forget to floss nurse, good morning.”

Laying down the law

“Dear Minister,

“I write to you in your capacity as minister responsible for the police force.

“I am Police Constable Kevin Rawle Bellizzi.

“For the past 17 years I have served as an active and loyal member of the Malta Police Corps and as a result have suffered several indignities.

“My disciplinary and attendance record has been second to none. However, for the past six months I have been suffering a crisis of commitment, plus acute bouts of depression, anxiety, piles and severe adenoids. I am sure these symptoms derive from the time I spent stationed at the St Julian’s police station.

“As you are aware this is the police centre that has responsibility for that hotbed of crime… Paceville. And have you any idea how dangerous that place is?

“On an average night patrolling that particular area, we members of the police force lay ourselves open to muggings, verbal and physical abuse… not to mention the possibility of pulling a hamstring by sliding on a pavement pizza (a splat of regurgitated food and mostly booze), plus the constant fear of a severe beating, or worse, by various feral bouncers.

“I know many of my colleagues in the force share my distress and thus I am getting in my request early, before the rest of them apply.

“I am therefore asking to be immediately boarded out of the police force and I enclose a medical certificate in support of my plea.”

Getting through to kids

“Welcome to Monty Bristow Safari Park… well, OK, not so much a park, more a ghetto. Here you will see a full range of exotic animals, gathered under one roof for your delectation.

“First up, this is ‘Shere Can’t’ the only captive Bengal tiger in Malta.

“What’s that? His cage is so cramped he can’t turn round? Well of course he can’t you silly boy. Putting him in a narrow cage is a built-in safety feature.

“If he could turn round he’d be able to eat you, wouldn’t he. Well, actually no he wouldn’t, he’s just a gentle old softie.

“Here look, I’ll reverse him out of his cage so you can see for yourselves.

“There you go little boy, you can pat him and – oh! Right.

“Moving on…”