Let’s talk about the Cabinet. To be precise, let’s talk about an important figure in the Cabinet who, however, has no portfolio.
No, I’m not referring to the Maltese Cabinet, but the one in Downing Street. Yes, since the 15th century, every British Prime Minister has had a member of the Cabinet whose specific role is to devote all its, err, energy to corner rats.
You see, this member is a cat. And is, in fact, known as The Chief Mouser. David Cameron is no exception and has a nine-year-old feline.
“Aw,” you may be saying right now. “That’s really sweet, I wonder what’s her name?” Hah. Got you. His name. The Chief Mouser to the Cabinet Office is called Larry Cameron, and he is a male cat.
Now, let’s pause there for a minute while we cross the continent to the United States, where we can meet Sunny Obama, the pet dog of Barak Obama, the President of the United States. If you are googling images of this dog, the chances are that you’ll go: “How fluffy and black he is!” Bzzz. Wrong statement again. She is. Sunny is a female.
So this is the moral: not all cats are girls and not all dogs are boys. I am saying this after months and months of walking the Significant Princess – that’s the golden retriever of the Significant Other – and am always greeted by a “kemm hu ħelu”, “kwiet xejn?”.
Pet dogs can increase life expectancy, lower blood pressure and make people less likely to suffer from heart attacks
Our response always has a touch of emphasis: “Iva, KwietA, ĦelwA”.
“You have to write about this,” said the daughter (in cahoots with the S.O.) the other day. “Say that sometimes a cat is a he and a dog is a she. We can’t have our princess thought of as a boy.”
So, dear reader, when you meet dog walkers and cat carriers, may you keep in mind Larry Cameron and Sunny Obama and may you please try some sort of limbo dance and somewhat take a peek to see if there’s something between the legs before declaring the gender?
• More dog tales. I am the Chief Groomer. When the household has clocked enough complaints that the dog – although, of course, still looking very royal – stinks, then I’m the one who takes her for the seasonal bath.
This is a long process. A dog of 40kg takes about three hours to trim, scrub, polish and splash with lovely baby-smelling dog perfume. It is a long time, but I cannot say it is a task I dislike.
Going to the groomers is like going to Animals Anon. People sit down while their four-legged best friends are being shorn, and all they want to do is bond with the other waiting, animal-addicted people.
“Hi, my name’s Emma/Kenneth/ Sharizianne and I think my dog is the best dog in the world, let me tell you my story to prove it.” Therefore it is three hours of storytelling, at times with very good acting.
The award so far goes to the gentleman who lost his dog during a weekend break in Gozo. He returned to Malta dogless and petless. For three weeks after that, he and his wife stared at the empty kennel in their garden in Iklin, with a broken heart. Until a month later, when they were woken up in the middle of the night [please read in very dramatic tones
“Was that a bark? Was that a scratch on the door? Did you hear that?” said the man.
“Yes! What is it?” said the wife.
“That’s the dog! He’s back!”
“It can’t be?!” said the wife.
Sure enough, they opened the door to find their pooch happily wagging his tail, delighted to be back in Malta. “But how did he…?” I asked, voicing the question of the rest of the enthralled audience.
“Mela. He went up on the ferry by himself and found his way home!”
• While we’re at it, are you a cat person or a dog person?
Cats, I believe, give as much fun back to their owners as… a pet gecko. They fend for themselves, they clean themselves, feed themselves and even take themselves for walks.
Dogs, on the other hand, chase sticks (and want to eat them); they keep you healthy (even though you have to drag them to jog behind you); they always greet you enthusiastically (as if you’ve just been to Australia for a year); they happily let you boss them around (Wait! Sit! Run! Bark!); and they are possessive in a laughable way (the Significant Princess is known to try and elbow me out of the way of her master if she sees I’m sitting closer to him than her).
Let’s face it, when you’re home, a cat wanders in the living room, takes a look at what you’re doing, twitches her whiskers in disapproval and walks out like an affronted supermodel.
But not dogs. They sit with their tail thumping in absolute delight, even though unable to grasp exactly what it is you are up to they are sure in their little doggy heart that it must be something amazing, because it’s you.
Then there’s the fact that when you look in a dog’s eyes you feel absolute love – and then you feel a little bit silly for feeling like that.
But when you look at a cat you just go: “Err. Okay. Maybe this cat is a witch in disguise?”
Research is definitely on the side of dog people. Pet dogs can increase life expectancy, lower blood pressure and make people less likely to suffer from heart attacks.
You know what? Maybe they need a pet dog in the Cabinet (of Malta).
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Twitter: @KrisChetcuti