There are few more sobering culinary experiences than to be squashed into a cattle-class seat on a Boeing 747, then to have a plastic tray laden with a quite repellent melange of… inedible mush, aka airline food, dumped onto your lap.

What is it about feeding on a plane? Most airlines seem to regard their catering capabilities as nothing more than a rudimentary service… if service is the right word.

I am actually pleased that our national airline has abandoned the practice of dishing up to their short-haul passengers what looked like cat excrement on a plastic platter. At least with a concrete bread roll it can be pocketed and fed later to the dog.

One of the worst airline meals I was ever invited to partake of, was served to me on an obscure eastern European carrier about eight years ago. To begin with it was thrust at me by a vast, lumpen stewardess who looked rather like a heavyweight wrestler in drag, with an unsmiling: “Here – take – food!”

Since the flight was an early morning, well… 8am flight, I assume the ‘meal’ masqueraded as breakfast. It consisted mainly of a lump of, what closely resembled a sliver of decomposing brain tissue. It was pale grey and spongy and wallowed in a brownish yellow liquid that looked as appetising as puppy puke. It was truly vile and about the last thing on my mind was actually allowing it into my digestive system.

I left the whole lot on my tray and went back to my novel.

And that should have been that, but about 10 minutes later the Amazonian stewardess returned, saw that I hadn’t touched my meal and berated me with: “Why you no eat? Is guut, is ‘scrapled’ eggs – iss guut.”

I felt like responding with: “You could have fooled me.” But I chickened out and mumbled something like: “I’m not hungry.” That didn’t satisfy her, she grunted: “Then eat later.” And stormed off down the aisle.

After so many disgusting and inedible meals have been flung at me on various flights, I began to think it was an integral part of travelling by air

I spent the rest of the flight in a state of high anxiety, in case the incredible hulkess returned to give me another rollicking, but mercifully she found other duties to occupy her.

Then there was the ‘lunch’ I was served courtesy of a Middle Eastern airline – I do remember which one, they can remain anonymous since it was three years ago and they may have improved since then.

Lunch… for that is what the steward dubbed it… comprised a papier maché tray, on which lay a shard of, what looked like a curling greenish dog’s thingy… and a tired lettuce leaf.

Oh yes – and accompanying this sorry excuse for a meal was a note in three languages, Arabic (naturally), French and… glory be… English. It proclaimed that: “This dish (dish?) contains no pig meat.”

Well hoorah for that! I didn’t run it past my taste buds to check. And the smell – no, stench. The foul stink of rotting flesh literally filled the cabin and made me nauseous. But the most extraordinary thing was that my fellow passengers, nearly all of whom looked to be of Arabic origin, were tucking into this disgusting mess with apparent relish. Unbelievable.

After so many repellent and inedible meals have been flung at me on various flights, I began to think it was an integral part of travelling by air.

In fact, a few years ago I suggested as much to a family friend who happened to have once been the catering manager for a giant vehicle company in Detroit, Michigan:

“Not so,” he informed me. He reckoned catering for thousands can be just as easy as knocking up meals for a few people. As long as you know how. Obviously few airline caterers do.

Indeed, the wisdom of his opinion was confirmed when I once flew Emirates Airline to Greece. The food I was served was both fresh and imaginative… something I’d not come across before from 30,000 feet up.

So it can be done. Why then do so many airlines fall short in the catering stakes… it can’t all be cost?

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