(Dring dring, dring dring)

“Buonos dias; Peppi’s Bank, Panama City ’ere… ’ow can I ’elp you?”

“Er, yes, um… Good afternoon. I’d, er… I’d like to speak to the manager please.”

“Certainly señor, right away, and ’oo shall I say is calling?”“Um, yes, er… I, I’m Kon… er Konnolly Mizz… er, Mifsud, calling from Malta.”

“Ah, Malta! That’s that little group of islands slowly sinking back into the Indian Ocean, right?”

“No, that’s the Maldives… I’m calling from Malta.”

“Sorry, you mean Moldova in southern Russia, no?”

“No, I mean… look, can I speak to the manager please?”

“Hold the line.”

(There now follows one minute and 37 seconds of Abba singing Money, Money, Money, before… )

“’Allo.”

“Oh hullo, is that the manager of Peppi’s Bank?”

“Si, Peppi’s Bank, Revolution Road, Panama City… Turn left at Chico’s Tapas Bar and park in front of the burnt-out funeral parlour. I iz de manachair Señor Marcello Gomez Lopez. You want something?”

“Er, yes, I want to make a deposit.”

“Sure, how much you want to put in?”

“Well, first of all I have a few questions.”

“Fire away… as the condemned bandido said to the firing squad.”

We even got some of the world’s biggest corporate client banks with Peppi’s

“Quite. You see I need to put quite a large sum of money into a bank in a country where… how shall I put it?... my money will be both safe and hidden from prying eyes… worldwide. I really can’t run the risk of being outed in a mega leak, such as occurred with the law firm Mossack Fonseca. You understand me?”

“Perfectly señor. And believe me, we at Peppi’s Bank can guarantee for you that nobody, nobody in the world will know nothing about your moneys in Peppi’s Bank… OK?”

“So you guarantee complete confidentially.”

“And discretion. We is the most famousist bank in Panama for secret accounts. Señor you don’t believe the famous peoples we got bank with us. Just yesterday morning we handled a huge sum in dollars from that great films star Tom Clooney. And he only one from many such peoples what banks with Peppi’s. There is that mega-star actor George Cruise, Brad Spears, Britney Pitt… ”

“Very impressive, but should you really be giving me these names. I mean… discretion, secrecy and all that.”

“Oh it’s OK. I know you won’t say nothing. We even got some of the world’s biggest corporate client banks with Peppi’s… We got the Mafia, Comorra, Cosa Nostra, Al Qaeda, really big names, eh, señor? But let’s get down to some businesses… How much you want to put in Peppi’s Bank?”

“Well… quite a lot, actually. I’d say an enormous sum.”

“Go on.”

“I’d like to deposit with your bank the sum of… three million US dollars…

(Pause on the line of seemingly interminable length)

Hallo! Are you still there Señor Gomez Lopez?”

“You kidding me, right?”

“No, no… three mill it would be. Are you implying it’s rather too much for your bank to cope with… or…? ”

“Señor, the sum you mention… ”

“Three million… US dollars.”

“For us it’s peanuts, small change. Most of this bank’s clients would give that sort of money to the maids to go shopping. Señor, this is a serious bank. Three million US dollars is not a serious sum of money. How did you intend to deposit it… in coins?”

“In Malta, where I come from, it is a tidy sum.”

“Look señor… it sounds to me like you are wasting my time. Unless you gotta bigga summa money to deposit with us, we not interested… good day.”

“No wait, um… what would you call a decent sum of money?”

“Nothing under half a billion US dollars.”

“Mama mia! You want me to give you half of my wife’s salary? Come on, give me a break. What is the least you’ll take?”

“For you señor… we’ll do business for… three hundred thousand dollar… as a starter.”

“Done! How would you like it, cash or cheque?”