In the fourth year of his pontificate, Pope Francis gave us a special gift. Precisely on March 19 this year, the solemnity of St Joseph, during the extraordinary Jubilee of Mercy, he released the document Amoris Laetitia – The Joy of Love.
Amoris Laetitia overflows with a profound wisdom on the sacredness of the family and its place in the divine plan as the foundation for a strong and caring society.
Among other issues, the document promotes a disposition of ‘guidance, discernment and integrating weakness’ as a foundation for addressing fragile, complex or irregular situations within the family rather than an attitude of judgement and condemnation for all those whose lives do not reflect the teachings of the Church.
This Apostolic gem also dwells on the spirituality of marriage and the family and on the holistic education of children, including the importance of sex education.
This article is far from a profound theological analysis on the document in question. Rather, it centres and reflects on one particular aspect of this exhortation, that of sustaining love in marriage (Amoris Laetitia, 89-164), aiming to provide practical guidelines for both married couples and budding relationships contemplating marriage.
First and foremost, we do well to focus, in the words of Pope Francis, on “the current reality of the family”. The family has become a complex unit, strongly influenced by cultural changes and an overly individualistic culture caught up with possessions and pleasures, leading to intolerance and hostility in families.
There is the danger of considering each member of the family as an isolated unit. The fast pace of life seems to leave no space for contemplating the value and sacredness of marriage and family life, its very intrinsic meaning and purpose. The ideal of marriage, marked by a commitment to exclusivity and stability, is swept aside and undermined whenever it proves inconvenient and tiresome.
What are today’s realities? What are the questions spouses are asking? How often, Pope Francis says, do we hear complaints like: “He does not listen to me.” “Even when he seems to, he is really doing something else.” “I talk to her and I feel she can’t wait for me to finish.” “When I speak to her, she tries to change the subject or gives me curt responses to end the conversation.”
Communication and quality time together is being side-tracked. We hardly listen to each other, bear each other’s pain or share the joy of simply ‘being’ with the other, the joy of giving oneself freely and unconditionally to the other. We are absorbed, if not obsessed, with the latest technological gadgets, threatening the validity of healthy interpersonal relationships.
How do we respond to challenging situations and conflicts within the family environment? Pope Francis makes a painstaking, focused and inspired exegesis of Pauline text (1 Corinthians, 13:4-7) and manages to enter the emotional world of the spouses through an exceptional psychological introspection, using his unsophisticated language to reach the heart, a language so tender and merciful yet with an extraordinary transforming power.
The Gospel of marriage and the family, in the Pontiff’s words, would be futile if, as proclaimed by St Paul in his lyrical passage, we fail to speak of love.
Guidance for couples
Love is patient: We tend to think that patience means to endure all things to the extent of letting ourselves be constantly mistreated, tolerating physical aggression or allowing people to use us. This is a gross misconception. Patience means slow to anger. It is the quality of one who does not act on impulse and avoids giving offence. It is an interior disposition to restrain aggressive behaviour when faced with challenging situations or conflicts.
Love is kind: Kindness goes beyond feeling good and virtuous simply by exercising verbal communication. Kindness is ready to be of assistance and seeks a creative interaction with others. Action speaks louder than words.
Love is not jealous or boastful: Love has no room for discomfiture at another person’s good fortune. True love values the other person’s achievements. Those who love are focused on the good of others; they do not need to be the centre of attention.
Love is not arrogant or rude: Love demands courtesy, a courtesy that a person develops his or her mind and feelings, learning how to listen, to speak and, at certain times, to keep quiet. (Octavio Paz)
Love is generous: Loving ourselves is a psychological prerequisite for being able to love others (A. L.101) “If a person is mean to himself, to whom will he or she be generous?”
Love is not irritable or resentful: The Pope’s advice is to “never let the day end without making peace in the family”. And how am I going to make peace? By getting on my knees? No! Just by a small gesture, a little something, and harmony within your family will be restored.
Love forgives: Forgiveness is rooted in a positive attitude that seeks to understand our spouse’s weaknesses and to excuse them rather than being vigilant for each lapse. Forgiveness requires a great spirit of sacrifice yet it is so liberating! We too have been forgiven by a merciful God, not by our own merits, but by His grace.
Love rejoices in the right, believes, hopes and endures all things: We rejoice at the good of our spouse when we see their dignity and value their ability and good work rather than comparing and competing. Married couples joined by love speak well of each other, show their spouse’s good side, not their weaknesses and faults. Love coexists with imperfection.
Marriage involves mutual self-giving and includes and integrates the sexual and affective dimensions in accordance with God’s plan (Gaudium et Spes, cf.48-49). This is a love which can only be sustained and nourished when the spouses remain grounded in Christ, when the spouses surrender their hearts and their fragility to the transforming power of the Holy Spirit.
Gordon Vassallo is an accredited spiritual guide at the Centre of Ignatian Spirituality.