Whisper it softly, but Sylvanus has recently been blessed with some information that may – or may not – surprise you. In the wake of the, as yet, unbuilt American university… institute… whatever, getting up and running, yet another novel education establishment is on the cards.

But this time the perpetrators… sorry, government, won’t be taking up any pristine ODZ land; oh no, they are going to build it in an area so depressed and depraved that nobody could possibly object.

Yes, they are going to completely bulldoze Paceville and replace it with the campus of The Malta Institute Designated for Alternative Studies (Midas).

Naturally this will be an entirely new concept in higher… or should that be lower education; but I think some of the courses to be offered really do reflect life and learning in the new millennium.

For example: Midas will be introducing the first-ever course in pure and applied shopping. And to get this innovative academic study off to a flying start, the first head of the shopping department has to be a high-profile ‘academic’. So Midas has decided to appoint Professor Coleen Rooney to the post. Prof. Rooney will instigate and oversee courses in High Street, online and excursion shopping; culminating in a hard-won BA in the subject.

High-flying students will even be given the opportunity to read for a Master’s or even a Ph.D in shopping.

Obviously the shopping referred to here does not encompass such mundane items as groceries and other menial purchases; we’re talking proper shopping… designer clothes, shoes, and of course… bling – the sparklier the better.

The faculty will even be organising field trips to Rome, Paris and Dubai for an up-close practical study of the subject.

It is anticipated that this three-year extremely intensive course will attract its fair number of footballers’ wives and girlfriends (Wags), but it is also hoped to bring in lots of students from the Gulf States and Saudi Arabia.

Obviously, by its very nature the vast majority of participants in this course will be of the female persuasion, but male entrants would be very welcome… if unlikely.

Midas will be introducing the first-ever course in pure and applied shopping

I said earlier that the whole of Paceville would be levelled to accommodate Midas; this is not entirely true. Just two former entertainment venues will be retained; which two will, of course, depend on the political affiliations of the owners. However, both will be essential to the efficient running of another faculty; this will be the faculty of Terpsichorean Titillation.

Included in the three-year BA syllabus will be studies in so-called exotic dancing (striptease to you and me) plus lap and pole dancing. The head of department will be Miss Fifi La Grope, who has had many years practical experience in all three fields.

The one-year course in State benefit… er acquisition, is expected to be one of the most popular courses. It will bear the title the Faculty Relevant to Equable Entitlement to Benefits and Increased Equity (Freebies).

With the heinous crime of benefit fraud on the increase the Midas administrators will be instigating this course to illustrate to students legal ways and means of manipulating the Social Services department… ahem.

Another subject that is expected to be oversubscribed is the proposed tuition in semi-professional karaoke.

This popular Japanese cultural form will have a course with a three-month duration – and will be overseen jointly by Professor Timishi Tanaka and the first Maltese winner of The Eurovision Song Contest; which means it will almost certainly be under the sole jurisdiction of Prof. Tanaka for the foreseeable future… and beyond.

It is also intended to set up an innovative sports faculty; nothing so prosaic as sports science and sports psychology.

Oh no, this Midas department will offer innovative studies, particularly in areas of the beautiful game (football).

Areas such as referee baiting and penalty area diving; this latter will naturally require the participants to show a certain amount of athleticism and thespial skill.

Oh yes, I personally think that the setting up of Midas will fill a niche in our education system that has been there for some time. And even if it doesn’t flourish and goes belly-up… at least it will have served one useful purpose, and that is to rid us of that tawdry dive… Paceville.

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