Every now and then, Sylvanus gets a scoop. And I think you’ll agree that what follows is certainly that. It is… (Pause for drum roll) the unexpurgated contents of a week in the life of Malta’s second lady – (Well, she can’t be the ‘first’, that’s the current prez.) – in the form of her appointments diary. And here it is:
Monday
9am. Summon handmaidens waiting outside the villa in their fleet of ex-CHOGM cars, to begin day’s beautification process.
10.30am. Get photographed standing next to a famous person.
11.30am. Visit home for children to hand out goody bags and for caring photo op.
Noon. Drop into Castille to change outfits, check e-mails and for handmaidens to do running repairs of hair and make-up.
1pm. Lunch in upmarket restaurant with extremely famous person. (Sign bill).
2.30pm. Return to Castille for short siesta and for handmaidens to effect running repairs of hair and make-up.
4pm. Sign begging letters for mostest, favouritest charity Nailed-On… my fingernail extension charity. Well, I think everyone should have the right to have beautiful nails… whatever level of society they have sunk to.
6pm. Am driven home in my kinda official car to await the homecoming of my almost-as famous husband.
Tuesday
9am. Summon handmaidens to begin day’s beautification process.
10am. Instruct personal assistant to phone Salubria Palace Hotel to make them clear the indoor swimming pool and spa area of people, ready for my attendance.
10.30am. Get driven to Salubria Palace Hotel spa and indoor pool. Personal trainer gives me his whole attention for hour-long training swim. This to be in top condition for my next great charity swim. This is scheduled for July and will be a record-breaking round-the-world swim in aid of my two favourite charities – Nailed-On and Save the Dodo.
10.35am. Beat hasty retreat to Salubria Palace Hotel spa for a massage and botox
Noon. Drop into Castille to change outfit, check e-mails and for handmaidens to do running repairs of hair and make-up.
1pm. Will be too exhausted to take lunch with anyone famous, so restrict myself to Ryvita and champagne in my unofficial Castille office.
3.30pm. Driven to my next appointment in the boardroom of Wet Wipes and Corn Snacks factory in Bulebel Industrial Estate so as to arbitrate an intractable industrial dispute between workers and management. Success will never be in doubt.
5pm. Am driven home to regain my strength and await the homecoming of my almost-as famous husband.
Wednesday
That rarity, a free day to lovingly spend with my loving children. Since it is also the nanny’s day off and my husband won’t employ a relief nanny.
Thursday
9am. Summon handmaidens to begin day’s beautification process.
10.30am. Graciously make a personal appearance at a political coffee morning in aid of my two (dearest to me) charities. Accept photo op with carefully chosen, fairly clean and dry old ladies, of a distinctly left-leaning persuasion.
10.35am. Beat hasty retreat to Salubria Palace Hotel spa for a massage and botox.
Noon. Drop into Castille to change outfit, check e-mails and for handmaidens to do running repairs of hair and make-up.
1pm. Lunch with yet more important and influential people.
3.30pm. Summon car to return me home to villa for siesta and for handmaidens to redo hair and make-up.
5.30pm. To regular meeting of Burmarrad Cultural Improvement Committee, as chairperson and number one personality. To push through resolutions to promote more and more local culture… including potato weeding contest and chicken plucking marathon.
9pm. Driven home to await the homecoming of nearly as famous husband.
Friday
9am. Summon handmaidens to begin day’s beautification process.
10.30am. PA to summon ferry for day of personal appearances in Gozo.
11am-noon. Attend two scheduled appointments… firstly, opening of new supermarket in Kerċem. Secondly, visit care home for elderly in Għasri that I recently officially opened.
N.B. Remind PA to ensure that I graciously receive a bouquet of flowers from the oldest resident who is not yet too senile to know what he/she is doing… and that the official photographer is present to record this touching moment.
Noon. Lunch at Kempinski Hotel with most important Gozitans.
4pm. Return to Malta and home to recover from ordeal.
N.B. This gracious lady apparently keeps her weekends free to support her husband in his endeavours to make Malta a paradise on earth.