The scene is a local sound stage. We are eavesdropping on the shooting of the Supreme Leader Malta’s New Year message for 2017. (Lucky old us.)
Sixteen local dancers of both sexes, dressed in scraps of wispy grey gauze, are waiting to perform a dance of adulation in front of a green screen (that will later have a distant view of Filfla superimposed upon it.)
“Stand by everybody… and can we have Malta’s First Lady in this scene please? She’s what? Still in hair and wardrobe. Right, let’s get on without her. Everybody first positions please. OK… and it’s go music… lights… ‘Supreme Leader’s New Year message’, scene 43… take 18… Stand by and… Action!
Cut! First positions again everybody. You boy… no, the one with the curly hair… Oh sorry, I thought you were a boy. Easy mistake. Why aren’t you smiling? Everybody else is smiling away like grinning idiots… why aren’t you? You are smiling? You could have fooled me.
“Look everybody… listen up please. We are not making great art here… we are making a video that eulogises the person of your very own Supreme Leader, OK? The one you love above all others. So ******* well smile, will you? And look appreciative and… hell, I don’t know… servile, OK?
“Is Her Ladyship ready yet?... Still in hair and makeup…
“O – K. Let’s go for another take without her.
“First positions please… and once again it’s go music… lights… Supreme Leader’s New Year message, scene 44… take 19… Stand by and… Action!
“Hmm, I suppose that will have to do.
“OK everyone, take a 10-minute break then it’s into the kitchen set for the next shoot.”
One hour, 20 minutes later:
The lighting cameraman finishes lighting the next set. It is a clean, ultra-modern kitchen sporting all the usual appliances, and a few more. Two actors in their early 30s appear on set. He is wearing formal office attire; she is wearing a 1950s cocktail dress covered by a pinny.
“OK… is the Supreme Leader here or hereabouts? Good, get him to sit at the kitchen table.
Er, housewife and husband people, can you two try to look sort of grateful towards the Supreme Leader
“In fact, get everybody seated, that way he won’t look shorter than them.
“And what about Her Ladyship… can we work her into this scene? Uhu… still in hair and makeup. No, I can’t fart round waiting for her. We’ll shoot it without her.
“We’ll rehearse it just once, then go for a take. Er, housewife and husband people, can you two try to look sort of grateful towards the Supreme Leader.
“No, I know he’s not exactly Brando, but you two are the pros, he’s… well, do your best.
“First positions for rehearsal and… go for it.
“Hmm, right then, we’ll go for a take. I don’t suppose there’s any chance of getting Her Ladyship ready for this scene is there?… Uhu, still in hair and makeup. But what? Nearly ready? Good lord! Are you sure? Splendid then, we’ll… yes, of course, I should have known… then she’s going to wardrobe.
“OK guys, we’ll try for a take. You… husband person, could you try to look a little more enthusiastic and grateful when thanking the Supreme Leader for making it possible for you to take out a cheap mortgage on your maisonette.
“For goodness sake Martin… sorry, Simon is it?… whatever. Think gratitude, think adulation, think… oh, I dunno – just do it; you’re the pro…
“Ah is she? Her Ladyship, you mean? She’s in wardrobe you say. Can we hope to have her out of wardrobe any time this side of Christmas? No, I thought not. So we’ll go for a take.
“First positions everybody… OK… go music… lights… Supreme Leader’s New Year message, scene 37, take one.
“Right, well… I suppose it’s an improvement on last year’s kitchen scene. We weren’t involved but I hear it’s claimed that no actors were used when shooting it. And I have to say that is quite apparent, I’ve seen less wooden performances in a sawmill.
“We’ll try a few more takes and then move on to the bit where Her Ladyship enters in soft focus and bestows benedictions on all present… Oh is she… back in hair and make-up for a ‘touch up’ is she? Right, sod it! I’ve had enough of this. For today… it’s a wrap! Good evening all.”