Never could I have imagined the exquisite sensations to be derived via a former can-can dancer from the north of England and a single pot of caviar.

Then, I discovered Swiss bliss in France on the banks of Lake Geneva.

Evian-les-bains.

Yorkshire-born Amanda Deloncle is the manager of the Spa Evian Source at the recently re-opened iconic Royal Evian Hotel on the French side and south shore of western Europe’s largest lake.

As an 18-year-old, she left the UK and went to Paris, where she danced in the Moulin Rouge and high-kicked on the stage of the Lido.

She married a Frenchman, started a family and gave up dancing. She now manages a staff of 14 beauticians and masse-uses, helping guest get over their imperfection.

Her expert guidance and the professional fingers of Sarah Turner from Hornchurch, as well as some fish, helped me become temporarily rot-proof.

You can also watch the police boats stopping Swiss nationals from exceeding their quota of cheaper French wine and food

As well as other anti-ageing regimens, regenerative procedures, repairs and five-star ‘polysensual experiences’, the famous hotel offers La Prairie cellular skincare treatments with caviar-based facials, eye massages, wraps and bespoke rub-downs.

Aerial view of Lac Leman.

Meaning being daubed and kneaded from scalp to toe in a rejuvenating emulsion of caviar pearls, leaving you luminous and shimmering. And €320 the lighter for the 150-minute, unique Swiss Bliss programme.

The 45-acre, 150-room Hotel Royal, 40 minutes from Geneva, opened in 1909 in honour of King Edward VII, who died before he could schmooze there.

After extensive refurbishment, the iconic Belle Epoque grand hotel is back looking fit and well again. The makeover has taken 100 years off the old hotel. The interiors are fresh-faced again.

The street leading to Source Cachat.

One of the first spa palace hotels, the Royal Evian (or HR, as it is usually called) has always been the magnet for the rich and famous. The spa’s relaxation lounge is the Aga Khan’s old apartment.

The hotel grounds contain the Swiss chalet-style sister hotel and former weight-loss retreat Ermitage. There’s an eco-durable, no pesticides-used golf course and under an hour away is Des Portes du Soleil – Europe’s largest ski area.

A 10-minute stroll down the hill is the lakeside town of Evian-les Bains, with its thermal complex, 1878 casino, 1883 theatre, 1826 Pump Room and the original Source Cachat water temple, where locals fill up their bottles with free, magnesium-rich, naturally filtered water.

The curative virtues of the water were first discovered in the late 18th century by a marquis who suffered from kidney stones. The first hydropathic establishment opened in 1826.

A 30-minute, €21 ferry crossing away is Lausanne and the Swiss Riviera, its south facing Lavaux vineyards. Italian monks brought stones across the lakes to support the steep-sided terraced vineyards. So, arguably, there are two French sides on the 11 mile long, five-mile-wide lake that is called Lac Leman by those who don’t live in Geneva. Long established winegrowers like Louis Bovard in Cully offer tastings and tours. The 2015 harvest was the best in 50 years.

Lausanne is just a short ferry ride away.

Try and lunch at the Tout un Monde Restaurant. From where, nursing a glass of Chasselas and digesting your chard, fera and perch fillets, you can look down the length of the lake, look down over Montreux, Vevey, across to Mont Pelerin, the Alps and the Savoy and Valais mountains. You can also watch the police boats stopping Swiss nationals from exceeding their quota of cheaper French wine and food.

The Royal Evian Hotel’s Les Fresques restaurant offers un menu gastronomique comprising six courses, including Lake Geneva crayfish with foie gras, sole in seaweed butter, squid and botargo and grey mullet eggs.

Frankenstein’s monster would never have made a spa therapist, but he could have been mistaken for a customer or a health tourist

After all the cheese and pastry (the hotel has 15 pastry chefs) you can work it off in the spa’s outside hydro-contact massage Jacuzzi trail, before booking another soothing appointment for your next round of epilations, age-defying serums, feet fiddling, nourishing lipids, gommages ( body scrubs ) and deep-reaching, energising stomach massages.

The Evian golf course.

Everyone sleeps well at Royal Evian. All, except Mrs Frankenstein. She and her husband honeymooned there. But she was strangled.

Frankenstein’s monster would never have made a spa therapist, but he could have been mistaken for a customer or a health tourist. He had the gait of one.

Frankenstein walked like he had a metabolic disorder or a urinary ailment. Which made it looked like he had been overdoing it on the diuretics front.

Or maybe he was just getting used to the very scanty, hardly-there and rather tight briefs (jets slipables) the Evian Source Spa staff make you wear.

Pre and après your roe.