Just recently Sylvanus sat in on a meeting of the ‘What shall we do with that so-called theatre? committee’. Here is a snippet of what went on:
The chairman, Chev. Andrew Snott Grima is addressing the committee:
“So, ladies and gentlemen, have we any idea what we are going to do with what I have heard called ‘Malta’s greatest white elephant?’ Don’t all shout together… yes Amelia?”
(Amelia Pace Menendez… token Nat.)
“I don’t see that we should do any more than simply admire the work of that great perit Mr Renzo Piano.”
“I see, so we just sit back, do nothing and gawp at it, eh? What do you think Charles?”
(Dr Charles Spiteri Goon… lawyer and professional committee sitter-onner.)
“I don’t wish, in any way, to politicise the matter but… I see it as yet another of the previous government’s dire failures.
“I think we should bulldoze the bloody thing and forget all about it.”
“Very constructive, Charles. Lino… do you have any bright ideas?”
(Lino Rodrigez… retired head teacher and culture vulture.)
“Personally Mr Chairman, I feel that since it is now a reality, we should make as much use of it as possible… weather permitting, of course.”
“And therein lies the crux of the problem, nies. The weather, the acoustics, the extraneous noise, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Problems all round. The weather we can do nothing about, it simply restricts the use of Valletta’s only topless theatre to the months June to the end of August… all agreed?”
(A mumble of assent is heard in response.)
“Extraneous noise? Well I suppose we could schedule all theatre productions to periods when there are no village feasts in Marsa, Ħamrun, Floriana and the Three Cities.”
“And Sliema.”
“Yes, and Sliema. Thank you Amelia. No, I think we have to be much more proactive and come up with a solution that will consider alternative uses for the site known for decades as the Opera House ruins. Yes David?”
(Tabib David Coleiro Grant… medical doctor, failed Labour Party candidate… ergo Tagħna Lkoll beneficiary.)
“I seem to remember that some years back Germany had offered to rebuild the Opera House free of charge. Why not pursue that option and contact Angela Merkel with a request to do just that ?”
“Hmm, I think Mrs Merkel has got enough on her plate at the moment with all those immigrants flooding into her country. But maybe we could bear it in mind for later. You have a suggestion, Charles?”
I seem to remember that some years back Germany had offered to rebuild the Opera House free of charge
“Yes I do. After all that hoo ha against, siting the Valletta monti near the Parliament building, why not put the market inside the theatre confines? It would still be central and avoid the accusation of turning the entrance of our capital city into an Arab souk.”
“Hmm, yes, I quite like that one… but… yes Amelia, you have another idea?”
“I do yes. I still think Teatru Rjal should be retained as a cultural venue, at all costs. And yes, I have thought of a way of utilising it all year round.”
“Go on.”
“If we agree that a roof is not an option, then why not issue every member of the audience with an umbrella when they enter the theatre. An umbrella which they would return to the theatre staff at the end of the performance.”
“And what about bitterly cold nights? Do we issue each one with a hot water bottle?”
“Good point, David. Would you like to add to the discussion Matthew?”
(Matthew Borg Walters… timid accountant and nouveau Tagħna Lkoll beneficiary.)
“Er hum yes… well. Bearing in mind the proportions of the site, might I suggest that we take out the seating, level the floor, reposition the seating around all four sides of the building an then turn the place into a basketball stadium… erm…”
“Thank you Matthew… we’ll um… we’ll bear that one in mind. Anybody else with any ideas? No? Right, well, then it’s my turn to tell you all what we will actually be doing with it. Sure, we’ll be ripping out all the seats, then we’ll be building up the inside walls to a height of six metres, then we’ll make them watertight.
“The object of all this is in order to turn the so-called theatre into a giant rainwater cistern. Then the water collected will be piped across to the Parliament building to be used to flush all the loos over there. Any questions? Carried unanimously.”