I didn’t watch the parliamentary broadcast the other day. Apparently I missed the latest MP brainwave designed to ratchet up our tourism figures further. Despite the fact that this has been a record year in tourism, we are bursting at the seams and packed like sardines, and the infrastructure is groaning under the weight of all the added visitors, one lone MP thinks we could go further.

What’s more, he thinks he has discovered a yet-untapped niche. Labour MP Joe Farrugia rose to his hind legs and urged the government to explore the countless possibilities of halal tourism.

It would seem that this gem of parliamentary research was gleaned directly from the Wiki­pedia entry about halal tourism. It is described as a subcategory of tourism aimed at meeting the needs of observant Muslims. A halal experience would include food prepared in accordance with Koranic law – so no pork on the menu, and meat from animals slaughtered in the way permitted by the Koran.

It would also include the separation of sexes, necessitating different sets of swimming pools and spa facilities, and an alcohol-free environment, among other things.

After reading the Wikipedia post you may be tempted to read the next online entries that pop up – as our eager beaver MP did. And you may come across entries about how countries such as Malaysia and Turkey are gearing themselves up for this new niche market and having tourism cash flowing their way.

Now if you were an overexcited MP, you may conclude that this is a tourism Eureka moment and toddle off to Parliament to urge the government to pull those pork sausages off hotel menus and to build walls between mummy and daddy’s pools. Then you’d sit down and wonder why the whole country wasn’t applauding your wonderful parliamentary intervention and flushing that non-permissible alcohol down the loo.

And hopefully you would slowly come to your senses and realise why we haven’t yet exploited this kind of tourism. Basically it’s due to the fact that the tourism niches we have targeted and developed so far are completely at odds with the observance of a halal lifestyle. Our tourism hotspots – and the places where most hotels are situated – are noisy, nightlife meccas where rivers of alcohol flow. Talk about segregation of the sexes and people would look at you uncomprehendingly.

I invite the Honourable Joe Farrugia to start handing out burkas to the girls wearing miscroshorts

I invite the Honourable Joe Farrugia to start handing out burkas to the girls wearing miscro­shorts. Presumably the music booming from the lap dancing clubs would drown out the halal-required calls for prayer.

It doesn’t take a tourism guru to figure out that our tourism model is at odds with a halal lifestyle, and that the country is too small to build more hotels complying with halal specifications. Nix that, because the next big idea will be halal hotels in an ODZ area.

• That’s not to say that there aren’t any tourism draws we can’t filch from other countries. Here’s one we could apply right now. A tour company in London offers Rubbish Tours – which are just what they say on the tin – a tour of dumps and landfills round London.

According to the tour description, visitors will “pass historic dumps and landfills, hear the stories of castaway communities and marvel at the methods of transforming the capital’s waste”. They also learn about Victorian scavengers, like the ash-collecting dustmen and the ‘pure finders’ who picked up dog poo to sell to tanneries. Looking for discarded Tudor tobacco pipes on the Thames foreshore is another highlight.

Now, think about the possibilities of replicating that tour here in Malta. We could take visitors to visit Magħtab and try to explain how it got to be so massive before the government had to hunker down and do something about it.

We could guide them through wastelands where people deposit ceramic toilets, mattresses and assorted shoes.

Then we could traipse back to the towns and villages and have a dog turd counting competition.

If tourists visited Sliema we could wade through the pigeon guano and ponder about the irony of the free-for-all shooting of protected species and the protected status of these crap bombers.

They could hazard a guess as to why last month’s junk mail is still blowing about in the street and why a broken soffit and ancient neon tubes have not been disposed of more than a week after they were thrown away on the promenade. The possibilities are endless and, unlike halal tourism, in total conformity with our lifestyle.

cl.bon@nextgen.net.mt