Let’s eavesdrop shall we, on a meeting of the Malta Police Force promotions board.
Present: chairman: ex-Chief Superintendent Mario Canavare Cioffi.
Board members: Avukat Dr Reno Pace Maempel, LLD, and Ms Antoinette Ignatia-Spiteri, MSc.
A callow young constable sits before the board: He is addressed by the chairman:
“Name?”
“Er Manicaro Borg... Joseph sir.”
“Rank?”
“Constable... for the moment.”
“Hmm... What do you mean by, for the moment?”
“Erm, well... I do have high hopes of promotion... sir.”
“Do you now? Hmm... I see here you only joined the force three months ago.”
“Is it that long? Gosh, then my application for promotion is way overdue.”
“Yes, right. Now constable, I... we... are going to ask you some questions to ascertain your suitability for... ahem, promotion. Ms Ignatia-Spiteri, would you like to...?”
“Yes, thanks. Now Constable – ”
“Manicaro Borg... but you can call me Giuseppe.”
“Quite. I see from your application that you’re applying for the post of... Chief of Police. Is that right?”
“Absolutely.”
“That is the most senior position in the whole of the Malta Police Force. Are you sure that’s what you meant to apply for?”
“Oh yes.”
“After just three months’ experience of policing?”
“Yes.”
“Are you certain that you want so much responsibility, after so little familiarity with police work?”
“Definitely. The local media have been banging on ad nauseum about how our police force needs a huge shake-up and how it is no longer fit for purpose. I am ready and willing to perform that shake-up and more than able to instigate real change for the better right across the board.”
“I see.”
“Dr Pace Maempel, would you care to...?”
“Thank you, yes. Constable, I am going to confine my questions to the most relevant aspects of your promotion application. Firstly: Are you from a Labour or a Nationalist family?”
I see from your application that you’re applying for the post of... Chief of Police
“Oh Labour sir... totally... and before you ask; yes I voted for Jo-zeff and co... numbers one to nine. Malta tagħna lkoll for ever, eh!”
“Excellent! No further questions, that’s good enough for me. You are obviously an astute and loyal member of the force... so... may it be with you. You are also undoubtedly a highly intelligent and capable person. You’ve got my vote.”
“Thank you sir.”
“Yes, well... as chairman of this board, I too have a number of questions for you.”
“Fire away sir.”
“Um well... that might just not be the most apposite metaphor, in view of one or two recent and not so recent incidents involving members of our force. However, I have to first ask you: If a member of the force were to be accused of... wrongdoing, how would you react?”
“It depends sir.”
“On what... the nature of the crime?”
“Partly.”
“Go on.”
“Yes, the nature of the crime and –”
“And what?”
“And... what political party the so-called offending officer supported.”
“Good answer. Now... here’s a dilemma for you: Supposing you happen to notice one of your police constables – in civilian clothes – actively taking part in a political rally. How would you respond?”
“That’s an easy one sir. It would depend on which party’s rally he was actively supporting.”
“Go on.”
“If he was participating in a rally or mass meeting organised by the party currently in government, then I would commend him personally for his public spiritedness and exemplary behaviour.”
“And if he were at a meeting organised by the Opposition?”
“I would see that he was fired immediately from the force.”
“Excellent, right I think we’ve heard enough to make a judgement... will you retire please constable.”
“Retire? But I’ve only just joined.”
“Retire, as in leave the room... so the board can discuss your application.”
“Oh right... sorry, I…”
(He exits the room)
“So what do you think Miss er...?”
“Well he is very young.”
“True... Avukat?”
“Young yes, but a good solid citizen... if somewhat inexperienced for this post.”
“Hmm... inexperienced or not, I’m afraid he’ll have to be given the job.”
“Er why?”
“Because he’s the only damn copper left in the force. All the rest have resigned.”