The local press reported that our Prime Minister is “resolute to introduce embryo freezing” and liberalise procedures regulating fertilisation, making anyone and everyone eligible to have the baby of his or her dreams.
We keep hearing so many opinions. No need to add my own. I just invite readers to listen to one frail voice: that of a girl who was conceived through the anonymous artificial insemination of her mother. The mother was living with a male partner, who the child had always believed to be her Daddy. This is how the child learnt the truth:
“I was 13 when my mother told me, ‘Daddy’s not your real father.’ She sounded irritated when she said it, probably in reaction to the way my jaw had dropped open in shock.
“My mother explained that Daddy wasn’t my real father, because she had been inseminated with sperm from an anonymous donor at her doctor’s office.
“The only thing she knew about the donor was that he had the same hair and eye colour as my dad so that I would convincingly be able to ‘pass’ as his daughter. She warned me that I was not to tell anyone, particularly my dad.
“He knew, of course, but my mum said he seemed to have forgotten. He hadn’t even wanted me when I was conceived. He’d told her he hoped she miscarried.
“My mother did not seem to understand why any of this news was upsetting to me. My biological father wasn’t my father anyway – he was just a ‘donor’. It’s different.
“‘It was anonymous,’ she said, ‘so you can’t ever know who he is’.
“My mother said the only way to unlock the donor records was if I were to get a terminal illness, since having my father’s medical information could help the doctors treat me. I prayed for a terminal disease that would allow me to unlock the file that I imagined would tell me who my father was and what siblings I had. This seemed a more pressing issue to me than my own mortality.
“I was having an abnormally hard time coping with this news on my own.
“My mother then told me that therapy would be a waste of money, and all I’d do is blame her for everything anyway – that’s what therapists get you to do. So I kept my secret entirely to myself.
“I am 29 years old now. My desire to know who my biological father is has not really diminished in the years since I learned of his existence.
“I don’t particularly like him, since I feel he gave me the ultimate blow when he agreed to sire me in exchange for money and a promise never to find out who I am or even how many of us exist. I don’t want his love or to call him ‘Dad’. I just want to know who he is. I want to know if I have siblings and who they are.
“I spent many years feeling ashamed and ungrateful for wanting to know who my biological father was. I don’t anymore.
“If mapping generations of history onto your family tree are reasonable hobbies, I am allowed to be interested in who my father is, even if there is no way I will ever know him.
“It is okay for me to want to know. No amount of semantics or reasoning or wishful thinking on the part of parents and donors will be able to change that.”
Please, dear Prime Minister and Honourable Members of Parliament, do not condemn any child to spend his or her life wanting to know who their dad or their mum really is. Remember who your own biological dad and mum really are and how that has made you who you are.
It is simply cruel and unjust to deny what a child needs most – a biological mum and dad they can know and love. The child of an anonymous donor or parent is condemned to an anonymous existence.
This story is adapted from anonymousus.org – a highly recommended website for those who want to shift their focus from arguments and opinions to real, flesh and blood people directly affected by artificial fertilisation procedures.
Fr Paul Chetcuti is a member of the Society of Jesus.