Yes it’s that time of year when the media are said to put life on hold. Why? Because nothing newsworthy is supposed to happen. Those in the know will tell you that few if any earth-shattering world events have ever taken place during the month of August.
Really? Well I can tell you of at least one mega-event that did occur mid way through this month... I got married. Now it’s true, that particular happening never did make the front page of the Times of Malta or head up Sky News (which rather surprised me actually), but it should have done.
Nevertheless during August, newspapers still get sold and TV and radio still feature news bulletins, so I reckon at this time journalists and newsroom chiefs have to get a bit creative. I’ll show you what I mean:
Take the banner header reading: ‘Body on beach identified’ with the explanation below: “The body of a man found sunbathing on the beach at Għadira yesterday was later identified as that of Mr Eric Stoate, aged 52, a tourist from Manchester, England.
“The identification was made by journalists from this newspaper, one of whom approached Mr Stoate’s body and enquired: ‘Who are you?’ The gentleman’s reply being: ‘I am Eric Stoate.’
“Verification of his identity was obtained by contacting the Scrofular Palace Hotel, where – according to Mr Stoate, aged 52 – he had been resident for the past week. Further details were unavailable at the time of going to press.”
Fantastic! You’ve got a story... or have you?
A really silly season report that I love goes something like: ‘Well preserved skeletal remains found in house excavation’ – “Well-preserved skeletal remains were discovered recently in the course of excavating a property in Lord Kitchener Street, Bengħijsa.
At this time journalists and newsroom chiefs have to get a bit creative
“The well-preserved bones were thought to be of – what turned out to be – no fewer than two guinea pigs and a rabbit. Further enquiries by this newspaper discovered the troubling fact that these creatures had been placed in the garden surrounding the property by none other than the son of the house’s last occupant... a certain Mr Norbert Grixti Said. Mr Grixti Said senior was unavailable for comment, since he died 17 years ago; but we did manage to speak to his son... who allegedly was responsible for the skeletal remains being there.
“When confronted with the facts of the situation, Mr Alex Grixti Said, 34, reportedly replied: ‘The guinea pigs must be Sammy and Midge. But the rabbit could be anyone. I buried all my pets in that part of the garden... after they died, of course.’ The police, when contacted, stated that they were waiting for the forensic report before commenting further.”
The sports pages should also contain their fair share of silly-season stories; for instance: ‘Premier League match report shock’ – “An independent enquiry set up after the Premier League match between Bidnija Swans and Rinella Raisins, which resulted in an unexpected 2-1 win for Bidnija, and has been seen by this newspaper, found that after extensive enquiries by the Malta Soccer Federation, in conjunction with Fifa... no suspicious circumstances were discovered.”
Now that really is a surprise!
The perennial journalistic cliché goes something like: Dog bites man = no story, but man bites dog = scoop. So why not during the silly season?
‘Man bites dog’ – “The euphoria brought about by celebrating his village feast must have got to Ħas Siġar resident Brian Cassar Dumsta, 27, yesterday afternoon. While observing the festa, dedicated to the village’s patron saint, St Stacey of the Bells, Mr Cassar Dumsta, 27, took an enormous bite out of a jumbo-sized hot dog... managing to ingest this in just three mouthfuls.
“Is this a record?”
And finally, here’s a particular favourite of mine:
‘Large object spotted floating off Comino’ – “Yesterday morning at around 6am, observers on shore reported seeing an extremely large object in the sea, floating about 70 metres off the western coast of Comino.
“Positive identification was difficult in the half light; however it was later confirmed that said large object was indeed the Gozo ferry.”