I’m starting to think Fifa has some sort of fatal attraction towards ageing Swiss gentlemen with only a tentative grip on reality.

Football’s governing body, under the stewardship of the king of denial Sepp Blatter, has had a traumatic year packed with corruption and embezzlement charges, resignations and criminal investigations.

In an attempt to regain a sliver of credibility and restore some of its damaged reputation, Fifa set up a reform committee to look at how it works and recommend changes to its procedures and rules.

All well and good so far.

Unfortunately the person they put in charge of this committee, 77-year-old Swiss lawyer François Carrard, seems to be as biased and unhinged as Blatter himself.

Carrard was appointed primarily because of his work reforming the International Olympic Committee. Apparently he did good things with the IOC, making it more accountable and corruption free.

But while his legal skills might be great and his organisational skills even better, his diplomatic ones are considerably less so.

Last weekend, in an interview with a Swiss newspaper, he questioned how legitimate it was for the US to be involved in the running of Fifa when basketball, baseball and American football are much more popular sports in the US.

He said soccer was not a true American sport but just “an ethnic sport for girls in schools”.

This flippant and disrespectful dismissal of the tens of millions of people in America who not only love football but play it regularly, was born out of nothing more than Carrard’s anger at America daring to question the way Fifa was being run.

Instead of being happy that the ritualistic and institutionalised corruption that plagued Fifa has been exposed, Carrard is chucking his teddy out of the pram because America actually did what no other country had the guts to do: expose it as a diseased organisation.

America actually did what no other country had the guts to do: expose Fifa as a diseased organisation

Sadly, this was not Carrard’s only bizarre revelation in the interview. There was worse to come. Much worse. Carrard actually feels sorry for Blatter.

“This man has been unfairly treated. If we talk about corruption, I have the whole US proceedings on my table. In the indictment, there is not one word against him,” Carrard said.

Which may be the case, in terms of hard facts and evidence. Sadly it misses the point by some considerable distance – Blatter may be innocent when it comes to bribery and corruption on a personal level, but it still happened on his watch.

Either he knew what was going on and failed to act, which makes him guilty by association, or he didn’t have the faintest clue what was going on, which makes him one of the worst leaders of a sporting organisation in the history of mankind.

Either way there is no feeling sorry for Blatter, the man who ran Fifa during the most embarrassing and shameful period in its history.

By giving this interview Carrard made one thing perfectly clear – he hasn’t grasped the fundamental reason he has been given the job: to fix Fifa, not defend it.

I would expect him to take one look at the evidence in front of him and say what a complete mess the organisation is, what a pity it has been reduced to such levels and promise to leave no stone unturned in his efforts to make sure nothing of the sort can ever happen again.

Instead he came out with some pathetic anti-America nonsense before launching a passionate defence of the clown who reduced Fifa to a shambles – a man who happens to be Swiss and of roughly the same age. (Has anybody checked if these two went to school together?)

Hopefully Carrard’s work won’t take long. If he can wrap up by early next year then he and Blatter can ride off into the retirement sunset together on matching gold-plated horses.

From assists to assistants

There are a lot of people – myself included – who feel the modern footballer has become too detached from the people who pay to watch them.

Last week Jermaine Defoe has shown we might just be right.

The Sunderland striker advertised for a personal assistant to look after him and his family, offering to pay the lucky man or woman £60,000 (€82,000) a year for the role.

If this job was just about organising his diary, dealing with mail and maintaining his social media accounts, for example, then I think we could understand it. Office management and administration may very well not be Defoe’s area of expertise.

But Defoe’s new employee will also be expected to stock his fridge so he has plenty to eat on his return from away matches, sort out his dry cleaning, take care of the family pets and even organise his wardrobe so he can wear certain designer clothes to certain events.

I understand, of course, having your own personal assistant can be crucial in certain roles. I imagine senior politicians, international businessmen and people in the entertainment industry, who can be away from home for months at a time, need someone to take out the garbage, water the plants and remind them when it’s their anniversary.

But a footballer? Seriously?

Most of these guys only work half days and then spend the rest of their time either online trying to buy bigger headphones than their rest of their team or, in a display of amazing mental flexibility, playing football on a Playstation.

Surely they can find 10 minutes in the middle of that all that frenzied activity to pay the gardener, book a holiday or walk the dog without breaking into too much of a sweat.

I am not naïve enough to believe football hasn’t changed over the past few decades because it obviously has. And as the money has increased so dramatically so has the lifetsyle of the game’s main protagonists.

Gone are the days when footballers were just the same as the rest of us apart from the fact they earned their living from a sport, rather than in a factory or an office. I understand and accept that that is in the past.

But have we really sunk to the level where footballers can’t buy their own milk or pick up the phone to book a table for dinner? Are they really so far detached from the average fan that they feel these tasks are beneath them?

To be honest, €82,000 a year is a decent wage and I’m sure it will be an interesting and entertaining job for whoever gets it, especially considering they will have to deal with Dafoe’s mother, who is rumoured to be quite a character.

But let’s not forget that Defoe earns that much money in a week. Including all the half days and days off.

I don’t have any desire for football to return to the era when players were paid peanuts and even had to do part-time jobs to make ends meet. But I think the fact that we have now gone way too far in the other direction is undeniable.

Where will it end? Dressing rooms with 46 seats so every player can take his personal assistant in with him to help tie his shoelaces and make sure his hair is okay before kick-off?

Sadly, I wouldn’t be surprised…

sportscolumnist@timesofmalta.com
Twitter: @maltablade

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