I expect you all saw that lucid and ‘helpful’ breakdown of what it now means to book a flight on our national airline. But just in case you didn’t, I – Sylvanus, with my public service hat on, would like to explain it all to you:
If like me you can’t afford the hedonistic luxury of flying First or Business class, you are probably wondering just exactly what you’ll get from each of the three new categories of cattle – sorry, tourist class flights.
Firstly let us remind ourselves what these three classes are. They are to be called: Simply Fly, Best Value and Spoil Yourself.
Let’s examine what each one of them offers.
Simply Fly, as it implies, will be the very basic air fare. It’s not so much no-frills, as no material to attach the frills to.
This truly is flying by the seat of your pants. Which in itself is ironic, because you don’t even get a seat; it is standing room only in this category.
Oh, and make sure you wear incontinence pants for the trip, since the onboard lavatories will be barred to all the cheapskate travellers.
You also don’t get to board from an airport bus, oh no... all Simply Fly punters will be herded onto a low loader and dumped unceremoniously into the cargo hold.
A useful tip, if you insist on flying steerage... sorry, Simply Fly, is to pack your hand luggage (It’s all cattle class passengers are permitted) into a sturdy case.
Don’t expect a smile from any of the cabin staff, these are reserved for Business and First Class passengers only
This can then act as a makeshift seat; it’s tough having to stand all the way from Malta International Airport to Heathrow... and back again.
One big plus, when you choose Simply Fly; you do actually qualify for a parachute, which is handy when you come to disembark at 35,000 feet above Orly or Gatwick.
Best Value: this is hardly luxury... it’s not even what most airlines would call bog standard. On Best Value flights, however, you do get a seat... sort of. But anyone over five feet, two inches tall might just have a problem since the leg room in this class is – shall we say – minimal.
But you do get to board via an airport bus... again, sort of.
Actually it’s a tipper truck, which inclines steeply when it reaches the aircraft, in order to deposit its passengers into the fuselage. Cunning eh?
Best Value passengers do, however, qualify to use the toilets, if they are prepared to pay for the privilege... and, of course, bring your own loo-roll.
Plus – as an added bonus – Best Value travellers are not entitled to that nasty bread roll and bottle of water. So bring your own comestibles.
Oh yes, and don’t expect a smile from any of the cabin staff, these are reserved for Business and First Class passengers only.
In Spoil Yourself, the leg room is a little more generous and your bathrooms are equipped with toilet paper... but only one sheet per passenger.
The downside, at least one of them, about travelling Spoil Yourself class is the fact that you are given the rather unpleasant bread roll and also the bottle of water. The upside is that you don’t have to consume either... indeed, very few people do.
Your elevated status means you can access the toilets, for free, a maximum of twice during the flight... so God help you if you are caught short on a third occasion. In the event of this occurring, access to the complementary sick bag may serve another useful purpose.
You may have noticed that recently Air Malta – out of the kindness of their hearts – have reinstated half fares for children. This is children under 10 years old and less than 50 centimetres tall and 25 kilos in weight. Any brat that exceeds either or both constraints... must pay full fare.
Oh, and Air Malta haven’t forgotten their most valuable clients travelling First and Business class. Steps have been taken to completely seal off these areas from all bog-standard punters, so that premium passengers will neither hear the screams and groans of the proletariat, nor... more importantly... will they be able to smell them.
Really and truly, Air Malta thinks of everything.