A few years ago I attended a retreat with a group of priests.It was different from other retreats as it was more experiential and we were asked to delve into our spiritual life. After days of reflection we had to share with the group the basic core of our spirituality in words or images.
I will never forget the presentation of an elderly priest who presented his spiritual journey by writing only one word: surrender. When he explained his choice, he elaborated that for him, the word was the summary of years of prayer and spirituality: a 60-year journey in religious life.
I was deeply struck by the words of this elderly priest: I realised that spiritual life is much more than a list of things performed: it is a lifelong journey to be free enough to surrender, with all the inner struggles that this implies.
Life is made up of choices that shape and give orientation to our life: the more we make choices to let God lead, the deeper the struggle with our inner world. We often think of spirituality as a type of coating that covers our life but in reality it is more of an inner journey in uncharted territory until we arrive at the point of transformation.
Scripture often uses the images of a painful struggle in one’s relationship with God and with one’s own will. We find Jacob wrestling all night with the angel of God in a hand-to-hand combat until he learns to let go and receives a new name and a new blessing. Abraham argues with God as he realises that He was going to destroy the city of Sodom: the Jewish mystical tradition speaks of Abraham’s huge inner struggle as he was asked to offer his son and entered in his own dark night of the soul.
Our human experience shows us that deep down, what we really need to find is inner peace, which only comes when we no longer waste energy hiding our weakness and our inner struggles. Spirituality is precisely this passage from the house of fear to the house of love.
Only when we are free to delve into it can we experience the beauty of the sea- Ronald Rolheiser
As Ronald Rolheiser puts it: “Surrender is like a deep, inviting, frightening ocean into which we are drawn. We make excursions into it to test it and to see whether it’s safe to enjoy its sensations, but for all kinds of reasons we always go back to dry land, to solid ground. Only when we are free to delve into it can we experience the beauty of the sea.” It is the same with our spiritual inner journey; after all the efforts of the first stages comes the moment when we learn to trust and to control less.
A story that can summarise this reflection is the following interview with a holy monk. A young Greek journalist used to visit monasteries on Mount Athos, interviewing monks living there. In one interview he engaged an old monk who had a great reputation for holiness:
He asked the monk: “Do you still struggle with the devil?”
“Oh, no,” the old man replied, “I used to struggle with him, when I was young, but now I’ve grown old and tired and the devil has grown old and tired with me. We leave each other alone!”
“So it’s easy for you now?” asked the young journalist.
“Oh no,” replied the old monk, “it’s worse, far worse! Now I wrestle with God!”
“You wrestle with God,” said the surprised young journalist, “and hope to win?”
“No,” replied the old monk, “I wrestle with God and I hope to lose!”
For a believer, struggling and surrendering is the real way to a deeper spirituality until one feels safe to love. As we come to know our inner world we realise how deep our complexities are, and that the only way to deeply live a happy and blessed life is to surrender our very being in the loving arms of the one who we know for sure loves us.
ciliamartin@hotmail.com
Fr Martin Cilia is a member of the Missionary Society of St Paul.