“Yes, this is indeed the show apartment. Exactly the same as the one you would be purchasing. Oh hang on, I’m getting ahead of myself. I should have said... exactly the same as the one you should be purchasing.
“Yes, come right in... this vestibule is deceptive and quite large enough for the three of us to stand in it together... see. Well OK, two-and-a-half of us, ha, ha.
“And – before I show you the rest of this fabulous apartment, I just have to say: this will undoubtedly be the best purchase of your lives. A truly fabulous buy. Sure, you are correct, it may seem expensive – at the moment – but what an investment.
“And don’t forget this is 2015, the year property prices are really beginning to take off. What may seem a bit pricey today will soar in value over the next few years.
“Oh I know, one-and-a-half million for a two-bedroom flat in Fgura may seem a lot now, but looking back in 10 or 20 years time you’ll bless the day you mortgaged your soul to buy this little slice of heaven.
“I mean... look at it: not too closely, it may be the show flat but I can assure you the quality of the internal joinery is far superior in the one you are buying.
This is 2015, the year property prices are really beginning to take off. What may seem a bit pricey today will soar in value over the next few years
“Anyway, let’s press on... if I can just squeeze past – that’s it. OK follow me; actually you’ll have to, there’s not the space for two – or in this case – three people to stand abreast.
“But just you wait till you see the sitting-dining-kitchen area. Yes, all in one for maximum convenience... not to mention comfort. Voila! Just look at that clever use of space.
“What’s that... small? We prefer to say bijou. And another huge advantage is the fact that you are never far from the heart of the apartment. I wish my house was as user-friendly as this one, ha, ha.
“Now then, let’s check out the bedrooms, shall we? Yes, this is the master bedroom. Tiny? It depends on what you mean by tiny. Of course you can get a double bed in here... just about.
“View? From the window you mean? Yes the view from your apartment is just the same... for the moment. What do I mean? Erm, until they put up the twin of this block next door.
“But look on the bright side; the view is no great shakes anyhow, that is, unless you enjoy looking out onto a panorama of used-car showrooms and kebab takeaways.
“And just think, when that neighbouring block does go up... you’ll be able to chat to your neighbours without even leaving your bedroom. And anyway... what do you expect for just one-and-a-half mill... San Anton Palace?
“Shall we continue the tour? No, no, this isn’t a linen cupboard, it’s actually the second or guest bedroom. No, not small, remember... bijou.
“Sorry to disagree with you, but no... whoever has this room will not – repeat not have to sleep standing up. Unless, of course, they are over five feet, three inches tall.
“Moving quickly on, the bathroom is in here. Well, aren’t all bathrooms shower rooms these days... save water, use the shower.
“Ah, I see you’ve noticed that the WC is actually in the shower. No, it’s not inconvenient... if you’ll permit me to say so, it’s an innovative use of space.
“Washbasin? Why would you need one of those when you’ve got a fully-functional shower in the room? And if you insist on being picky, you could always use the sink in the kitchen.
“Use of the roof? Yes, of course, you have full use of the roof... that is, until they stick another three storeys on top.
“What’s that? Oh yes, perfectly safe... this developer doesn’t use hospital concrete, ha ha.
“So here it is friends, your dream property and at a price you may think you can’t afford, but with a little penny pinching here and mild starvation there... will be more than just bricks and mortar; it will be a home.
“So, if you’ll just sign here and – hey come back!
“Huh! Bloody time wasters.”